I wanted to sit with the covers pulled over my head and lay nestled in my bed. It was far easier not facing the day and staying in the comfort of my home. The ceiling fan was going and I could hear the birds chirping. I didn’t want to endure what the day had set before me.
Not because I was too tired, not because I was lazy but because I was too afraid.
I was afraid of what the day had in store for me. It seemed that the load was just too heavy for me to bear. I had forgotten that I was supposed to cast my cares. I was trying to carry a load that I was supposed to give to God.
I didn’t believe that I could make it through, I doubted both God and myself.
Somewhere along the lines I had convinced myself that things just were not going to get any better and even if they were I didn’t care to expend any more effort or energy.
I was negative, angry and bitter.
The thing is you have to want better for yourself and you have to want it enough to believe that you deserve it and to stay positive in the face of adversity.
I had enough knowledge to know that how I think so goes my day. I didn’t feel like being positive. I had convinced myself that my positive attitude was getting me no where.
I had helped others, I had been a good person, I had been hopeful and yet bad times still came.
I was beyond angry, I was mad!
I was mad that as far as I was concerned, I had done right and treated people right and yet it seemed like life had not yielded me the harvest I believed that I had sown.
So I thought to myself why continue hoping for a harvest that seems determined not to come forth.
I didn’t feel like hearing the truth that things would get better. Because if things would get better that meant it would require me to believe for better. That would require for me to get out of the bed and go get better. Better was not going to come as long as I maintained a negative mindset.
I would have to do my part, so the Father could do His part. I was exhausted and didn’t care to do my part any more.
I had grown enervated at the high volume of negative news that was being carried to me. I didn’t want to go through any more pain. I had grown weary in my well-doing.
People told me that I needed more faith and that angered me all the more.
‘How dare they question my faith?!’
I felt right in my indignation that life was playing a huge joke and was picking on poor old me.
I ranted and had one of my famous “woe is me sessions”
“Woe is me, let me tell you what happened to me”
“Woe is me, this went wrong AND that went wrong AND none of it is my fault!”
“Woe is me, nothing goes right in my life”
“Woe is me, can you believe that happened to me?!”
Peopled tried to comfort me and all I gave them in return was negativity.
But, thankfully somewhere deep in the recess of my soul I loved myself enough not to stay in the Land of Woe and I actually grew tired of hearing my own negativity.
Where I was previously ensnared by doubt I was relinquished by hope.
Something in me believed that God did not bring me this far to leave me.
Something in me knew that my loved ones were right, and to my shame I must confess, I had thought that God had forgotten me.
I apologized to God for doubting Him, I forgave myself for accepting what I knew to be a lie, I apologized to my loved ones for the ugliness of my pity party and I got out of bed.
See there is something out there for me. Something beautiful indeed. I can see it and I know it is there and I am going to do what it takes to go get it.
I have decided to be thankful for everything, even the things that I don’t understand.
For as they say “the antidote to anxiety is thanksgiving”.
I am thankful for the friends and family who encouraged me and gave me help and nourished me with hope.
I am thankful to the people who didn’t let me sit and sulk.
I am thankful for those who just sat and listened.
I am thankful for the hard times that showed me areas that I need to improve.
I am thankful that I learned that I need to trust God more.
I am thankful that God is doing a work in me.
I am thankful that I loved me enough to want the work to become complete.
I am thankful I was humbled and shown my pride.
I know that I have sown a lot of good seed. I am no longer going to act like a spoiled child raising my fist at Heaven demanding where is the harvest?!
I am going to rejoice that the seed is there and the fruit will manifest in God’s perfect timing.
I am not going to be an enemy to myself and sit cradling self-pity and self-doubt.
I have sought forgiveness for my unbelief which had birthed stress and anxiety and the Lord in His mercy heard my cry.
See I have been blessed with the opportunity to see the flickers of the light and goodness that lays just ahead. Hiding in my bed has now become uncomfortable.
It is uncomfortable because I know that which lay before me cannot be received if I sit in darkness with the blinds closed and covers pulled over head.
For I indeed know as I stated before, if I do my part the Father will do His.
So, I have decided to do my part.
I am going to love myself enough to keep on going and not give in to doubt, worry, pity and hopelessness.
I am no longer hiding under the covers afraid. I recognize, I am not alone and no matter how scary things may be there is something great just ahead.
So while I am actively practicing thanksgiving for my now, I am also hopeful for the joy that is to come.
Being negative, feeling hopeless and bitter about things not working out the way I hoped was not an act of self-love, but self-harm.
I have chosen to go with love, and I encourage you to do the same.
I am going to go get the goodness that life has in store for me. I am not going to sit back in the cool of the day and miss out on the joy and light that I see just ahead. No, I am going to be thankful, hopeful and do my part so I can go get it!
© Renata Pittman and RenataNicole, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Renata Pittman and RenataNicole with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.