We sat there my pain and I, and I held her close to me.
I often talked to my friends about my pain and how deeply she hurt me.
Time went on and the next thing I knew my pain had become a part of me.
My pain was with me when I woke up, my pain was with me when I rest my head.
If I didn’t want to do something, my pain gave me an excuse for why I had to do something else instead.
When someone asked me to do something, I could always blame my pain for why I couldn’t.
When I thought about trying to get better, I listened to the voice of my pain and thought ‘nah maybe I shouldn’t.
Getting better would require me to do the work.
Getting better would require me to let go of my hurt.
But if I let go of my pain then what would I talk about?
She was in practically every sentence that came out of my mouth.
I mean didn’t she define me?
Weren’t I her and she me?
I mean who would I be without aches throughout?
Who would I be if I wasn’t hopeless and filled with doubt?
My pain allowed me to be a victim, angry and filled with rage.
My pain was my excuse to be rude, for my attitude and why I could stay stuck on the same page.
I didn’t have to be nice, I had a pain!
I didn’t have to be kind, I had an ache!
I didn’t have to do anything, I was hurt!
I was in pain so I didn’t have to do the work!
That is what I told myself, that is what I said.
That is what I believed, those were the thoughts inside my head.
It was the fault of my childhood, my third grade teacher, my father, my mother…. you see.
It was the fault of my former classmates, that stranger who mistreated me, my sister and my past lover… it was all of those other things why I was me.
Everyone was to blame for my hurt.
Everyone, but me.
And I proudly held my hurt like a badge of honor.
I clung to her and did not dare run from her.
My pain and I grew together and I would not let her go.
To let her go meant I would have to do the work and the thought of that angered me so.
Doing the work meant I would have to take responsibility and I would have to own my part.
Doing the work meant I would have to dig deep and remove the ugliness from my heart.
Oh how I dreaded letting go of my pain.
My pain was one with me.
But one day I realized that all that time my pain was killing me.
I looked in my mirror and I didn’t recognize myself for she had become I, and I had become she.
I thought that we could live a life together, but she had other plans for me.
She was why I over ate, she was why I did not sleep.
She was why I pushed people away and found myself all alone just her and me.
She was why I had those bags under my eyes, why my hair was a mess and my skin was dry.
She was why I couldn’t think straight and why I lay around all day and refused to exercise.
My pain and I would watch TV all day, we were a mess, I must confess my pain stifled me.
I had spoke for years of how I didn’t know how to let go of her for pains sake.
But my truth was I didn’t really want to get well because despite my denial I knew all along the steps to take.
For the soul always knows how to heal itself even if we pretend we don’t.
The soul always knows how to let pain go even though, it’s our ego that won’t.
So one day I realized that I had to take control and let go of the pain that was in me.
One day I started to take the steps and began my journey to become a better me.
But that day never arrived until I truly did want to get well.
That day never came until I decided I did not want to live a life of hell.
So I recognized that it wasn’t because I didn’t have a brother to teach me what I needed to know.
It wasn’t that my childhood had problems, I mean whose doesn’t? People have painful pasts every where I go.
But this meant it wasn’t my mother’s fault, my father’s fault or even that boy who didn’t care.
It wasn’t the teacher’s fault, it wasn’t my sister’s fault, it was me who wanted to keep the pain there.
I decided I had to change, I made the decision I had to let go of the pain.
I decided I had to get better and remove the horrid stench of hurt because she had really started to smell.
I decided that I had reached a point where I really did want to get well.
I was rotting inside and it hurt.
So, I got desperate and I did the work.
I forgave myself, I forgave others.
I changed the way I thought and it was then that I was able to move further.
My anger subsided and my joy increased.
My laughter excelled and my heartache ceased.
I learned how to love and I began to love me.
I nursed myself and I became a healthier me.
So I let go of my pain as I realized she was mocking me.
She cloaked me in herself as she falsely comforted me.
I thought we could live a life together.
Who knew that she had meant for us to die together?
She was familiar so I let her stay for a while.
But she had to go because with her I lost my smile.
Sometimes she comes back like a lover from my past.
She sneaks in gentle but when I recognize her I don’t allow her to stay for laughs.
No my pain is no longer welcome to sit with me.
For she is merely my warning signal, that it’s time to do the work to become a better me.
When she appears I now know it means I need to let go of her and start to love on me.
So she cannot stay beyond her initial hour.
No, she must go so I can walk in power.
© Renata Pittman and RenataNicole, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Renata Pittman and RenataNicole with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.