I was so busy working towards becoming the woman that I believe that I am called to be that I forgot to embrace the woman who I currently am today.
I was beating myself up for repeatedly making the same mistakes and struggling to break the habits that I so wanted to shake.
I thought ‘shouldn’t I be better than this by now?’
I was mad at myself that I do not yet fully understand how to do better than I am currently doing.
But how could I possibly know what I don’t know?
For if I fully understood how to do better I most certainly would.
I have to come to a place where I am gaining a better understanding of what it means to love myself for who I am, as I am,the way I am – which is flawed perfection.
I was spending so much time focusing on what I needed to fix about myself that I forgot to give myself a pat on the back for the progress I made while becoming who I currently am.
The woman I am today right now is beautifully and wonderfully made. And yet for whatever reason I had not accepted that the woman I am now, on the way to where I am going deserves my unconditional love.
I need to truly love myself the way that I encourage others to love themselves.
I am my own biggest critic and while I don’t want to get out of balance and fall on the side of arrogance I also need to pull myself out of a place of self loathing.
I am seeking a balanced view of myself which includes a willingness to forgive myself, to value myself, to love myself, to honor myself and to embrace myself.
It isn’t that I intend to stay stagnant.
It is that I intend to savor my moments and start living in my present.
I am coming to the realization that I am so fascinated with the manifestation of who I want to become that I forgot to appreciate who I currently am.
By beating myself up for who I am, I am missing out on the opportunity to fully appreciate my journey.
I possess the tools to help myself from staying stuck in the past but somehow in utilizing them I had jettisoned much of myself into the future.
Thankfully life has revealed to me that I need to reel myself back in to the present.
I was misguided and I am now aware that I wasn’t fully enjoying who I currently am.
To be honest, I remember sitting there with tears rolling down my face wondering what was wrong with me that I can’t get things right.
I was forgetting to do what I encourage you to do – I forgot to love myself.
And so as I am doing my self work to truly process what it means to love myself, I have uncovered a new area of my life that I need to embrace.
For loving myself entails loving me right now and accepting who I am at this precise moment in time.
It is okay to love me at the weight I am, in the financial position I currently am, at the spiritual growth level that I am, with the wisdom I currently possess and with the habits that I could stand to improve.
Sometimes I am not as patient with my children as I should be, sometimes I am self-absorbed and forget to check on those around me, there are times when I procrastinate to the point of laziness, and there are days when I don’t try my best. But at the end of the day I am me.
I can choose to focus on those things or I can make the decision to focus on my positive attributes for which there are most certainly many.
When I reflect back on who I was this time last year I have made great strides of improvement and yet there I was beating myself up for not being further down the road of spiritual and emotional growth. There is always room for improvement so why was I magnifying what I deemed to be my failure rather than celebrating what I know to be my success?
Thankfully, I am coming to understand what it means to love myself to a greater degree.
I have definitely done a lot of work to love old me and I am fascinated with who I envision myself becoming, but I wasn’t taking the time out to truly be pleased with who I am at this precise moment.
My frustration wasn’t a matter of me being in competition with other people. For over the years I have come to accept that my path is my own and I cannot measure my growth by the growth of another. However, I had started to compare myself to my dream for myself and there I was mad at myself for not yet operating at my fullest potential.
Clearly my thought process was way off!
The American poet Robert Frost told us that I have miles to go before I sleep and yet there I was discontent with my current mile marker.
I was frowning upon my achievement because I forgot how far I had come.
For if I had remembered then I would not be so hard on myself.
There I was mad at myself for not being further along than I was on my path and failing to appreciate the strides that I had made.
I have worked so hard to get where I am at and yet I was mad at myself because I hadn’t reached the level that I ultimately want to.
As long as I have breath in my body I will continue to be a work in progress. So if I continue to beat myself up whenever I make a mistake the beatings will never stop until I die.
I need to forgive myself.
I need to forgive myself for sometimes being lazier than I care to admit.
I need to forgive myself for engaging in behaviors that I know are not best for me.
I need to forgive myself for allowing people to be a part of my life who I know don’t treat me well.
I need to forgive myself for not loving myself more than I know how to.
Everyday I am learning.
Everyday I am growing.
Everyday I am improving.
In order for me to expand I am going to have to learn.
Because I grow through my experiences in which I learn. As I learn I am not going to get everything right and that’s okay because I am on my way!
Tonight as I write I can tell you that I have chosen to celebrate me!
I am still here, I am still standing, I am still breathing and my heart still beats. I am not going to wait until I am on my deathbed to love me.
No, I am going to go ahead and love me now.
If the whole world decides that I am unlovable I have to know, that I know, that I know – that I am lovable – because I love myself.
I love myself enough to do the work not to beat myself up because I make poor choices.
I love myself enough to stop putting myself down for being flawed.
Even if no one else sees me as worthy of being loved I am going to do the work it takes to be so confident in myself that I know that I am worthy.
No one else can validate me to wholeness. For it is my job to validate me and I am on assignment.
I have decided not to wait until I have higher standards, and greater self worth to love myself. I am worthy of my love today! My current mile marker is not a measure of my failure my current mile marker is simply where I am at on the way to where I am going and I have decided to be proud of where I stand.
I encourage you to love yourself for who you are right now. You can tell if you aren’t loving yourself as you are when you find yourself beating yourself up and mad that you aren’t further on your journey. Or when you are still upset about mistakes you made in your past. Your current self deserves your love, so go and love yourself.
© Renata Pittman, Renata Nicole and RenataNicole, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Renata Pittman and RenataNicole with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.