If you end a relationship where you have over invested it is bound to happen.
One day you will be sitting there and your mind will start to wonder and then the next thing you know – the question will pop into your head:
Do they miss me?
I confess that I myself have had this thought about different people on more than one occasion.
As a matter of fact I distinctly remember allowing my mind to wonder there a few years ago when I first separated from my ex-husband.
I didn’t want to get back together but I did want to know if he missed me.
I thought about it so much that I eventually did what many of us do when we want to know the answer to something, I went to the world of Google for the answer.
There I was on my iPad typing into the search engine ‘Does He Miss Me?’
Thankfully, I found this article written by Natalie Lue.
I have shared with my friends and family members that it was her work that helped me to recognize how I was seeking external validation from my relationship partners as well as an understanding of what emotional unavailability is. I myself am particularly prone to looking for validation from emotionally unavailable men because (while it isn’t something that I want to remain) I myself am an emotionally unavailable woman.
Prior to reading her work, I falsely believed that the intensity of how much someone missed me at the close of a relationship or lack thereof was a indicator of my worth.
They don’t miss me = worthless
They do miss me = worthy
I find it particularly interesting that I believed this because if I had a friend say ‘hey this person doesn’t miss me therefore I am worthless’ I would quickly correct that faulty line of thinking.
And yet for some reason I had bought into that flawed thought process when it came to myself.
With my question of whether or not I was missed in mind I sat there reading and rereading not only that article but several others on Natalie Lue’s website over at baggagereclaim.com.
Additionally I also bought and read three of her books. I highly encourage anyone who is in or who has come out of a toxic romantic relationship or even friendship to visit her website as it has helped me immensely to work through a lot of things in my own life.
But I digress.
Fast forward from me first reading her work in 2013 to it now being 2016 and lets have an honest talk about how I caught myself wondering if someone who was no longer in my life missed me.
Yep, there I was giving yet another human being the power to determine my worth.
Natalie Lue explains that the reason you want to know why they miss you is because you are seeking validation from them.
And you guessed it – I am guilty as charged of doing that.
She further explains that while the person probably does miss you it is most likely not for the right reasons. Rather they miss no longer being able to do things like take advantage of you and mistreat you.
I think that she is correct.
And so with that understanding I knew I had to get a hold of myself.
I fully accepted that the reason I wanted to know if I was missed was because I thought that if I was then I wouldn’t be as worthless as I felt. And once I did I immediately let go of the question.
Who cares if they miss me?!
Well I did….
But that was up until the point that I realized that what they thought of me doesn’t matter.
What I think of me is what matters.
I can’t change how someone else feels about me but I can change how I feel about me.
I was allowing myself to feel down in the dumps about myself because someone with poor relationship skills had treated me in a way that I found hurtful.
People with poor relationship skills treat people poorly.
By definition that is just what these people do.
Chazz Ellis says that a person can’t love you beyond their character.
For example if they are a selfish person their love will be selfish.
I have found this to be true.
Their behavior doesn’t define anything about you, they just are not good relationship partners point blank and simple.
If they were not mistreating you then the would be in a relationship mistreating someone else.
So recognizing that, I decided to cast the question of whether or not someone who treated me poorly misses me, from my mind.
Them missing me or not missing me is irrelevant.
I am a valuable person even if no one recognizes it.
I have to come to a point where I do more than write and talk about self love, self worth and self value, I myself have to believe it!
Realize as I did that when you find yourself feeling worthless while wondering if someone else cares about you, loves you or misses you that it is a warning signal that you are not properly valuing yourself.
People who mistreat those who love them don’t value themselves enough to accept love from other people. So why in the world would you allow them to determine your value when they can’t even come close to properly assessing their own?
Thankfully, I wrapped my mind around the fact that them missing me or not, doesn’t matter when it comes right down to it.
I then gave myself a pat on the back only to have another thought pop up.
Do they feel guilty for what they did?
I believe this thought is the fraternal twin of do they miss me?
There I was washing the dishes and thinking do they truly feel sorrow or remorse for hurting me?
Do they care even that they hurt me?
Will they ever come to see that what they did was wrong?
Will they regret losing me?
After some self-analysis I realized my questions of ‘if they felt sorrow’ were all rooted in the same vein as my ‘do they miss me’ question?
I still wanted to know if they saw my worth.
There was that flawed line of thinking coming back at me.
I thought ‘most certainly if I have worth then they will feel sorry for what they did’.
Also I really wanted to see the scales of justice balanced for surely when someone does you wrong they should apologize and make it right.
But that isn’t how it works.
People can die without ever offering up an apology or receiving one.
This means that it is unwise to wait to hear a sincere “I am sorry” for you to move on.
Realize when you refuse to forgive you become stuck.
I don’t want to be stuck on anyone who doesn’t care about me.
I simply don’t.
I don’t forgive for them – no my forgiveness is selfish!
I forgive because I do not want to carry the weight of a person who means me ill will in my heart.
I will be honest, I don’t care to think about people who have done or want to do me harm.
When I see people from my past who have wronged me I treat them the same way I would treat a stranger on the street – with indifference (I am able to do that because I work to let past hurts go).
Another reason that I don’t wait for an apology is because I have come to learn that everyone doesn’t live by the same set of rules as I do. Everyone doesn’t feel guilty for the things that I think people should.
And on the same note there are things that I have done that other people feel like I should feel remorse over and I honestly don’t.
So instead of wondering if they are sorry I have decided it doesn’t matter.
If they are sorry – it is okay.
If they are not – it is still okay.
As far as justice I pray that they don’t have someone hurt them the way they hurt me. I pray that they are spared that kind of pain. I send them love, laughter, joy, peace and light. I don’t want God to punish them or karma to get them.
You may wonder if I want them to learn that mistreating people isn’t the right thing to do?
– Most Certainly!
But I don’t want anyone else walking this earth to hurt even if they hurt me.
I have decided to continue my work of becoming my best self. Not because I want to show people who have wronged me what they have lost by no longer being in my life but because I want to pour into me and to value me regardless of what others think of me.
By the way, I often hear people say the best revenge is success/happiness. But for some reason that always stuck in my craw. Not so much because I disagree with the statement but because for many it is based on the desire to prove your worth to someone else by being successful or happy.
Ultimately when our motive is to prove to other people who have wronged us what they lost by no longer being in our lives, we are still making our lives about them.
Again, I am not saying that success isn’t the best revenge or that bettering yourself isn’t the next step.
But I am saying that I find far more joy in bettering myself because I love myself as opposed to doing so in order to prove a point to someone who thinks very little of me.
When I find myself caring what people who don’t love me think about me I immediately work to no longer give them my energy – they simply don’t deserve it.
Please recognize that in the bigger scheme of things the thought of their guilt level falls in the same category as thoughts about their level of missing you – It belongs in the “It Doesn’t Matter Category”.
This is because it really doesn’t have a major impact on your life unless you allow it to.
People call me bad names and they do not feel guilty.
My name is still Renata.
I have been cheated on in a romantic relationship and never heard an I am sorry.
I am still lovable.
I have had people I call friend lie on me and speak poorly about me and never apologize.
I still have worth.
I have had coworkers do things to harm my career and not bat an eye.
I am still a valuable person.
Over time I chose not to take what any of those people did to me and their lack of remorse define my worth.
Recognize that if you have ended the relationship, their apology or lack thereof has no bearing on what you are going to do with your life unless you decide to give it that kind of power.
Don’t be their victim.
Take your power back and don’t let another flawed human being have the power to make you feel unworthy and/or unloved.
Some people just have issues.
Seriously, there are just some people who are wired differently.
Personally, I am not big on diagnosing people as narcissists, psychopaths, or sociopaths because one I am not a therapist and two I am trying to figure my own life out so with all due respect, I have no time to figure out people who the psychiatric community struggle to help.
But with that said some people just don’t believe in being caring and compassionate and some people are simply selfish.
What that means for you is that it doesn’t make sense for you to expect them to act in a way that a unselfish person would.
There really are people who simply believe in putting themselves first even if it means hurting everyone who comes in their path.
They will lie to you and on you, steal from you, cheat on you, beat you, betray you, berate you, disrespect you and hate you as long as they think it will make them feel better or give them the chance to get ahead.
They don’t feel sorry because they believe that life is all about looking out for themselves.
They see people who help others as weak and prey.
They hurt people and find it funny and they thrive off of the pain they inflict on others.
My advice is to get away from those type of people.
It isn’t your job to diagnose them, teach them a lesson, show them the error of their ways, to make them become a better person or regret hurting you.
No your job is to put on your Nikes tie them up tightly so the laces don’t come undone and run away from them as fast as you can!
Don’t think you can outsmart them because your brain doesn’t think like theirs.
Don’t think you can help them because you will simply get harmed in the process.
Forgive them, send them love, wish them the best and RUN!
And if you choose not to run or you have already fallen victim to them and they break you down a bit (and they will) then pick yourself up, dust yourself off, count it as a lesson learned and strap on your Nikes and run like the wind!
Don’t look back, don’t wait for an apology, don’t ask do you miss me!
Run from that level of crazy before they suck you in and convince you that you are the one who is crazy and bring you back in for their version of Crazy 2.0 The Special Edition.
Don’t expend your energy looking for or thinking about an apology from someone you are no longer in a relationship with.
Think of it, for whatever reason the relationship is over, so how does an apology change the course of your life as opposed to no apology. It will only have weight if you decide to give weight to the apology or the lack thereof.
Make your life easier and decide it doesn’t have any weight.
Granted the apology may make forgiving them easier but ultimately aren’t you still you – apology or not?
Many of us don’t like forgiving people because we think it is giving them some sort of victory.
Did you know you can forgive someone and never speak to them again?
You don’t even have to tell them that you forgive them.
You can even forgive people who have passed away.
It isn’t about giving someone else satisfaction, nope it is about you!
So I encourage you to not sit in the ashes of a broken relationship wondering if they miss you and/or if they feel sorry.
Instead realize that whether they miss you are not you are still you and forgive them whether they truly regret hurting you or not
When you walk around not forgiving others you spend so much of your time and energy on someone who has harmed you.
I assert, that isn’t the best use of your time and energy.
Wouldn’t you rather spend your time and energy on people who love you, to include yourself?
And please don’t go off into the world of revenge.
Revenge is like telling God that you do not believe Him when He says vengeance is His.
And I am aware that everyone doesn’t believe in God and that there are some who don’t believe in karma.
And for you who don’t I offer this:
When you try to seek revenge on someone else you are showing them that you still care. You are putting all of your energy into destroying them. Recognize that there is truth to the argument that the opposite of love isn’t hate but indifference.
Love and Hate are on the same wave.
In the bigger scheme of things it doesn’t matter if they regret what they did.
It doesn’t matter if they see the error of their ways and want you back in their life.
And it doesn’t matter if they miss you.
When it comes down to your life, what matters is what you think about yourself.
You deserve to have friendships, business partnerships and romantic relationships with people who value and appreciate you. Anytime you catch yourself thinking about do they miss me and are they sorry, remind yourself that their thoughts don’t matter when it comes to your life and then expend your energy on the people, things, places and situations that actually help make you become a better you!
© Renata Pittman Smith, Renata Nicole and RenataNicole, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Renata Pittman and RenataNicole with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.