When the Reflection Changes

imageWhen relationships dramatically end, new interactions begin or even when relationships slowly fade away – take notice.

Take notice, because it means that you are changing.

Reject the notion that when we see people leave our lives that it is a bad thing because the truth is it really is a growth thing.

People leave us because they cannot go where we are going and we cannot go where they are going.

Holding on to people when their part in our story is over is painful.

Anytime we try to hold on to someone or something that no longer serves us the relationship is prone to become unbearable as our growth becomes stagnant.

I have stayed in relationships both personal and professional past their expiration date only for them to turn sour.

This is because when you stay in a relationship beyond the expiration date it becomes fertile ground for resentment that breeds contempt.

You grow to resent the person/people who don’t want to stay connected to you or are making you feel guilty for wanting to move forward and in turn they resent you for wanting to leave or for holding them back.

Why do we cling to what is so clearly trying to leave us or alternatively why do we resist what is so clearly trying to join us?

I know I myself have done it out of fear.

I was afraid that if I left that what would come next would make me regret leaving.

I have stayed out of fear of loneliness.

And I have stayed out of fear that I would fail if I tried something new.

I have resisted relationships out of fear of being hurt, being let down or not being good enough.

Ultimately it was always fear.

I think for the bulk of my life I suffered from a scarcity mentality.

I didn’t believe that better was out there for me and if it was it would be hard to find or would ultimately reject me.

I didn’t realize the value I possessed and that people and businesses would be happy to interact with me.

While I have strong bonds with people I go long periods of time without having friends or family to physically hang out with. And I am one of those people who go years without romantic relationships.

There was a time when I thought this meant that something was wrong with me.

I was unaware of the fact that the reason I go long spans of time without hanging out with a female friend, a family member or without a date doesn’t mean that I am a low value person.

It wasn’t until recently that I realized that it was actually an indication that I am rare.

Being rare means that the average person doesn’t reflect me.

I don’t say that out of haughtiness or arrogance but out of complete confidence and awareness of the greatness that I am.

This awareness came through much self-work.

I had to get to know myself.

Not the self others told me I was.

But the self that my spirit man knows me to be.

This identity came through self-love.

I surmise that I am not alone in this high level of value.

All people are of high value but most of us are not awakened to it and the fact that I am makes me rare.

Thankfully I have dismissed the false belief that my time alone meant that no one will ever want to be with me.

When people tell me I am different or even call me crazy I don’t take it as an insult.

I acknowledge it to mean that I am one of those people who love themselves in a world of people who don’t.

For instance, I remember going on several job interviews only to be told that I was overqualified.

I have also gone on several dates only to have men tell me that they knew I deserved far more in life then what they could offer.

I got frustrated.

I felt like people were telling me I deserved better and yet better never came.

I took it as a bad thing.

I even began to question if they were being honest.

But deep down in my core being I knew they were telling the truth.

Over time I became aware that I am rare.

I have strangers tell me that I am different and that they have never met anyone like me.

In the past my “strangeness” has led to me to try to tone down my individuality and to try to blend into my surroundings.

My attempts were all futile because I still stuck out like a sore thumb.

I even tried to settle.

I settled for romantic relationships that deep down I knew would never fulfill me. I settled because I had undervalued myself and I didn’t know who I was.

I settled in my career because I doubted my ability to gain employment at a place that would allow me to fully display my education, skills and abilities.

I had to learn that sometimes people won’t interact with you because they know they don’t have what it takes to remain in the presence of someone of your caliber.

Even when you see yourself as low value they see the real you and know you are cut from a high quality fiber.

The high value of your fiber shines a light on their inadequacy and so they opt out of your life.

Doesn’t mean they are a bad person, it simply means they are not the person for you.

When people bow out on you – thank them.

Thank them for steering you into the right direction.

They are simply helping you to guide yourself where you belong so you don’t waste your time where you are not meant to be.

I often have people or businesses tell me I don’t belong with them.

It isn’t rejection it is redirection.

Sometimes I get lonely but I have grown to realize that as I work to love me more the loneliness subsides.

I take my loneliness as a signal that I need to spend more time with God and to value myself more.

Every time I give myself the love that I want others to give me the feeling of loneliness always diminishes.

We are the only individual that will be with us for every moment of our lives, so it would behoove us to learn to be okay with being alone with ourselves.

I think that many of us cling to others in our lives way more than is healthy.

We should allow people to be free to be themselves and to move into or away from us as is necessary for them to grow.

We cannot control other people and would be upset if they dared to try to control us.

There is no need to take the absence or the presence of another person in our lives so personal.

We all are simply gravitating to the people, places, situations and things that reflect who we are as individuals and so are they.

As I stated earlier people leave us because they cannot go where life is taking us.

One of us or both of us has made changes and that is why they exit the building.

Alternatively, people join us because they too are showing us who we are.

If we are willing to listen to the whispers (or in some cases the screams) life is constantly trying to tell us who we are.

Ever noticed that while there are some people that you have to close (or slam) a door on and actively remove from your life that the majority of our relationships simply fade away?

No one says or does anything out of turn you simply stop talking.

It could be that your schedules start conflicting at the same time or that one of you relocates, gets married, has a child, takes a new job or endures an illness that allows your focus to be realigned. But the result is still the same – you lose contact.

The loss of contact doesn’t mean the person did us wrong or that we did them wrong it simply means our season together has come to a close.

I try to take notice when the person I speak to on a regular basis becomes the person I think of fondly here and there and smile on past memories.

I take notice because I recognize it as a sign that I am in transition and that they no longer reflect who I am at the present time.

I see it as a sign that I am entering a new phase of my life where I cannot take them with me.

I wish them well but I know we can no longer walk together for my next phase in life.

This is why even though I do keep the lines of communication open with people from my past who have done me no harm I try my best not to force open relationships that are clearly coming to a close. .

God does an awesome job of removing people and bringing people into our lives with perfect timing.

We reconnect with people from our childhood as well as strangers just when we need them most.

But it doesn’t always seem like it.

Like when the person who wronged us over a decade bumps into us at the grocery store and we think ‘what was that about’.

Only to realize that we have an unhealed wound that we thought we had dealt with.

Or when we move to another part of the world to start a new job only to realize our new work mate is also our classmate from grade school and we think ‘isn’t life weird’.

No, that person is often there to help us to deal with something that only someone who knows our childhood self could help us to realize.

Understand that life summons and dismisses people from our lives with accuracy.

This accuracy doesn’t mean that it isn’t ever painful but it does mean that it purposeful and with perfect timing.

I have a belief that nothing just happens, that everything serves a purpose for the betterment of our soul.

I believe that some lessons may be painful but they are always necessary.


Take notice of the people around you.

If you notice a lot of negative character traits in them often times you don’t have to actively remove them from your life or start ignoring them for them to leave your life.

You can simply start making changes in your own life and develop positive habits and those people will fall away from your life over time.

They have no choice but to leave because they cannot stay where they don’t resonate.

And yes there comes a time when you have to actively stop contacting and interacting with people.

When that time comes you still have to make changes in your life because if you don’t another person who behaves the same way will show up.

Failure to make changes is why we often go from bad relationship to bad relationship.

Not because we have bad luck, but because life is showing us that we haven’t changed.

So take a look around and see if you are happy with your mirror.

If you aren’t happy with what you see it doesn’t mean you are a bad person, it means you are not being your true self. You (like all of us) have room for improvement that you have the capability to improve.

If you are happy with who you see around you take solace in that but always keep working to become your best self.

If you don’t have anyone in your life don’t automatically take this as a sign that there is something wrong with you.

Just simply keep working on loving yourself, developing positive habits and learning how to build healthy relationships.

When the time is right life will usher in someone who will help you to move through life as needed.

If no one is there for you at a certain time in your life it is because you and God are all you need to move through that particular phase of your life.

Never confuse your time to recognize the greatness of who you are with a time to feel unlovable.

Renata Nicole

© Renata Pittman Smith, Renata Nicole and RenataNicole, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Renata Pittman Smith and RenataNicole with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.



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