For a couple of months now I have been complacent and complaining about issues in my life that were bothering me without taking any action in order to make a change.
Day after day I would pick up the phone and talk to my loved ones complaining about my dissatisfaction with a variety of areas of my life.
And to take it further I found myself becoming physically ill from the environment I was allowing myself to maintain.
I was growing comfortably uncomfortable and settling for things that didn’t make my soul happy. But I thought maybe I just needed to push through. I mean we all face new things that we are not comfortable with. That doesn’t mean we should give up.
Or does it?
I tried not to complain about what I was experiencing because as the saying goes we need to have an attitude of gratitude.
And yet despite my attempt to suppress my dissatisfaction there I was sharing my negativity with others.
For “out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks”.
Sadly, I was complacent simply whining to others about my dissatisfaction and watching my energy levels decrease because I was no longer working to fulfill my life purpose.
I have the same 24 hour day as everyone else but for about 2 months now I was consciously choosing not to maximize it.
There I was knowing what I needed to do, but settling for whatever the day brought me.
I mean what happened to me having a plan?
I have made it no secret that I have to actively work not to allow my eating addiction to shorten my life span. And yet, I found myself making one poor dietary choice after another.
Also, I have not hidden from anyone that my journey to loving me has had setbacks. However, I figure that is expected to happen because I’m human. But just because setbacks are something that occurs doesn’t mean I should not try to get back on track!
Thankfully, I woke up on Friday and realized that the way I was living wasn’t putting me first.
I was so busy putting the lives of others above my own, out of my own volition and coming up feeling empty.
Perhaps because it served as a distraction from me putting in the work that would be necessary to get to where I want to go in this life.
And why would I do that?
Because bettering myself is hard work, so convincing myself that being a martyr made me a good person and also served to help me to distract myself from my purpose and fall into my pattern of finding myself in a codependent relationship.
I know that blogging brings me pleasure and yet it’s been months since I have. All because I was choosing to occupy my time trying to make others happy and neglecting myself.
Furthermore, I went from exercising 5 days a week to not exercising at all.
The result – I fell sick twice in less than a month to include a visit to the emergency room (no worries I am okay), I hurt the feelings of a person I love by ending a codependent relationship, I lost focus and ultimately I stop choosing me.
So what’s a girl looking to live life to the fullest to do?
-Get back on track.
I have often wrestled in my mind whether to push through the pain of life and believe for better or to see it as a signal that what we are enduring isn’t for us.
I have come to the conclusion that many of us are unnecessarily accepting devastating pain as normal. Which results in us settling for less than what life has for us.
I arrived at this by coming into remembrance of something I heard over a decade ago. At the time I was listening to physical trainer Jeanette Jenkins speak about pain experienced during physical exercise. She explained that while exercising may bring discomfort, it shouldn’t cause excruciating pain.
And yet in a period of months my life had gone from being uncomfortable to being painful.
I was so stressed it hurt to turn my neck and yet I continued to ignore my body’s warning signal that the life I was living wasn’t for me.
I decided it was time to accept the pain for the warning signal it was and to start making changes.
And so I started taking steps to maximize those 24 hours I had been wasting away.
This included making better eating choices, exercising, taking my vitamins, being honest with myself that I was being codependent and in turn hurting both myself and the person I was enabling. And as evidenced by this blog entry I started back writing and taking other steps to fulfill my life purpose.
Allowing myself to be engulfed in someone else’s problem in an attempt not to take responsibility for my own isn’t something that is new to me.
I explained in a previous blog that I have used my relationships with other people to distract me from working on me.
Don’t get me wrong there is nothing wrong with healthy relationships but for some reason when I don’t want to do the work of improving myself I will subconsciously find someone and try to fix their life while neglecting my own.
It never works but it’s a familiar practice.
When I opened my eyes to the fact that I was trying to save someone when I have full awareness that we can only save ourselves, I knew I had to be honest with myself and except that I was going in the wrong direction.
I don’t believe that we are called to forsake our purpose and live in discontent by enabling others.
I also don’t believe we are supposed to settle for a life that doesn’t make us feel fulfilled.
Many of us get up and go to work at a job we don’t enjoy and never question why week after week, month after month and year after year we speed so many hours doing something that doesn’t make us truly happy.
We stay in relationships that we know aren’t helping because we fear being alone otherwise.
We neglect ourselves physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally and just wait for the sun to go down and come back up again the next day.
And we forsake our childhood hobbies and our deepest dreams and go into doldrums and say, “that’s just the way life is”.
I have decided not to do that and to stop calling pain normal.
I can’t save anyone else, but I can save myself and I hope that you will choose to save yourself.
© Renata Pittman Smith and RenataNicole, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Renata Pittman Smith and RenataNicole with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.