I rarely go window shopping.
When I do it’s because I have a vague idea of what I am looking for and I want to look around to help myself narrow in on what I really want.
The majority of the time when I enter a store I know the exact item I would like to purchase and cannot be convinced to get anything else.
Before making a purchase, I have done my research, I have price shopped, read all the online reviews and even know what retailer I want to purchase the item from.
Sales people have a very hard time trying to convince me into purchasing any additional accessories or picking out another item.
If it is something that I have to save up for in order to purchase I work hard at putting money away over time so that I will be prepared to make the purchase.
I’m an informed buyer, I know what I want and what I don’t want and if a store doesn’t have the item in stock, I can assure you that I will be shopping elsewhere.
My kids see me as stubborn – but I know what I want.
I have often gone shopping with friends and they would notice that I didn’t purchase any items on our outing. When they questioned me about it I will tell them I didn’t intend to buy anything and so all I did was looked around and made a mental assessment of things that I may want in the future. They would shake their head at me but like I said – I know what I want.
So today I was laying on my couch scrolling through my Facebook news feed thinking about how I struggle finding what I am looking for in love.
I playfully went over the notion that it was because as one of my friends said “I was allergic to love”, but when I became honest I accepted my truth, I didn’t know what I wanted.
Or at least I wasn’t consciously aware.
I mean ask me what I want when it came to shoes, clothes, perfume, jewelry, makeup, food, books, cleaning products, household appliances, vehicles and a home and I can tell you everything you need to know but when it came to knowing what I wanted as far as a romantic partner I had a foggy idea but it most certainly wasn’t something I was clear on.
I guess perhaps it really is true that you can’t know what you want until you know what you don’t want.
I mean of course I knew I didn’t want a partner who was physically abusive towards me and I knew I wanted someone I was physically attracted but honestly for the most part I was feeling my way out.
Sad to say it was because I wasn’t secure in who I am. I was fearful that I wouldn’t find what I really wanted because I didn’t see myself as worthy of the ideal partner I had in mind which would result in me being alone.
I’m okay with being alone if I can’t find what I’m looking for but the concept of not being good enough for the type of person I desire is pretty disheartening.
Unfortunately, I have spent the bulk of my life not seeing myself as valuable and telling myself a lie that I had to take what I could get.
That’s how I ended up married at 18, I had honestly convinced myself that if I didn’t marry him no one else would ever want to marry me.
Surprise, surprise to my 18-year-old self I have turned down multiple offers of marriage.
Thankfully, I have grown and become aware that I am indeed valuable.
I have also learned that I must have boundaries for what I will and will not accept.
By having boundaries I stopped being a doormat.
I will not be uncomfortable in order for another person to be happy.
They are free to seek someone who will allow them to do the things that make me uncomfortable but that person will not be me.
After 32 years of not loving myself I created a huge self-love deficit that I have been consciously working on for about 4 1/2 years.
While I have a lot of work to do to reverse that deficit the good news is that I have grown by leaps and bounds.
I have the strength to walk away from relationships that harm me, and that takes a lot of self-love to do.
And so I decided to use that strength to take walk away from my scarcity mentality that if I develop a criteria of what I will and will not accept then it will make it harder to find someone.
A scarcity mentality is what causes many of us to stay in unhealthy relationships because we are afraid that if we leave that no one else is coming. As I previously posted there are over 7 billion people on this planet I promise you someone else is coming.
And with that knowledge I have decided to open myself up to loving and being loved in a romantic capacity to a higher degree.
But in order for me to do that I aknowledgeI flat-out must have standards to go along with my boundaries.
There has to be standards that a guy has to meet in order for me to give him the green light. I had blogged about it before and I had created some standards but I’m going to have to raise the bar.
For one thing he has to be sure about what he wants because I have become sure about what I want.
No more attracting people who are confused all just so we can sit there together in a sea of confusion gleefully wasting one another’s time.
Much to my chargrin my low-level of self-esteem is why I hadn’t developed more standards in the past. I was afraid to reduce the size of the dating pool out of fear I would end up with no one at all.
I simply had to develop standards because when you don’t have standards or in my case very few standards for what you want you will accept darn near anything.
You have to know what you want!
If you know what you want, you will easily dismiss what you don’t want.
Once you make up in your mind people will have a hard time trying to convince you of otherwise and it will help you know what you are looking for when you see it.
Therefore, if you want someone who has the same spiritual beliefs as you and you meet someone who doesn’t you will see it as your signal that they aren’t a match.
I’m not talking about having some inordinate list of criteria for a person to meet but I am talking about having standards for what you will and will not accept in a partner.
I realized that I simply had to outline what I wanted or else I would attract people who are just as confused as to what they want as I am.
I’ve been walking around with a fear of a broken heart since my divorce four years ago and even with that fear I ended up with my biggest heartbreak only two years ago.
So being afraid of opening up is definitely not the way to protect yourself.
Dating and just seeing where it goes without being attached to the outcome has been freeing for me, but I realize I must first do a better job of pre-qualifying the men I date before I try to see where anything goes with them.
And in addition to sticking to a higher level of standards I have also decided that the same way that I do the work of saving up so that I can afford big purchase items is the same way I need to spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally prepare myself to have someone come into my life.
And so after putting pen to paper and making my list – I know what I want!
© Renata Pittman Smith and RenataNicole, 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Renata Pittman Smith and RenataNicole with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.