The Screening Process

 

Haley

Photo Courtesy of: Haley Hickman

I was on the phone with one of my cousins who explained to me that a guy whom she had went out on a date with had told her that he was going to call her at a certain time, but he never did.

After hearing her say this, I immediately retorted, “I don’t like him”.

I do not know him as a person but I know that I do not like him to fill the role of romantic partner in my cousin’s life.

And this is why…

At the beginning of the relationship his failure to call when he said he would signals his inability to keep his word.

Recognize that it is at the beginning of the dating process that we put our best foot forward.

Therefore, his best foot is him showing that he is not a man of his word.

If this is him on his best behavior then what in the world would he be like on his worst behavior!?!

I will be honest there was a time when I have given guys a pass who obviously didn’t deserve one.

They went out of their way to show me that they didn’t really care about me, but due to my insecurities and low sense of self-worth I would tolerate their poor behavior.

When they didn’t call when they said they would I would think well maybe something happened.

You know something? Maybe something did happen or maybe it didn’t, but I have decided that when it comes to my life I am no longer accepting excuses.

Do I believe that a freak accident could happen?

Of course I do.

But I also know that if a person doesn’t show up for a job interview on time a potential employer who is well skilled will tell the candidate that there is no need to conduct the interview as they failed to show that they have the ability to be punctual for something as important as an interview.

Does it mean that the applicant is a bad person?

No, not at all.

Should the employer give the applicant the opportunity to explain why they were late?

Possibly.

But, if the position is of quality a good employer will give it to the candidate who took the time to not only arrive on time but who arrived early, fully qualified and well prepared.

So if it is unwise to give a job to someone who fails to show up on time for a job interview then why do we give a second chance to someone who fails to show up or call like they say they will in the early stages of dating?

I think we do it out of fear of things such as no one better will come along, feelings of loneliness, desperation for a partner and low self-worth, which results in low standards and a lack of boundaries.

The way I see it is that many of us when we date are looking for someone to spend the rest of our lives with. We want to share our time, energy, vulnerabilities, body, money and in many cases our children with this person.

Think of it, you are going to invite a person into your home and more so your bedroom and your screening requirements are more lenient than what a hiring panel would require for someone to work at a company that may not even belong to them?!

I have hired people to work for companies before and when it came to finding an employee I would start out by reviewing the position and then I would create a job bulletin to be advertised in order to properly market the position.

However, when it came to my own life I didn’t really take the time out to figure out exactly what I was looking for in a partner.

I didn’t do any soul searching I just wanted to be wanted.

Also, before you can hire someone for a job you should make sure that you have the wherewithal to pay them.

But when I would look for a romantic partner I never took the time out to see if I had the time, energy, love or skills to maintain a healthy relationship.

Moreover, I spent a lot of time creating a well thought out job bulletin because I realized that I wanted to attract the best person for the position on behalf of my employer.

And yet when it came to something as sacred as my heart, thoughts, energy, time, space, body, love, trust and care I didn’t put much thought or detail into how I was representing myself.

I am not proud to say that my self-esteem was previously so low that if I had to describe how I advertised a position to have my heart it wasn’t a far cry from:

“Hungry for love, will love for crumbs of attention and scraps of affection”.

The type of people who are attracted to that kind of position in a person’s life are not high quality. Because the kind of person who would hold that sign doesn’t know they are quality.

It took a lot of tears and a massive broken heart but I now know better.

I now understand that just like I made the position that I was trying to fill at my place of employment attractive I have to make the position to be my romantic partner attractive.

This goes so far beyond physical appearance.

For example I wasn’t happy about what I was doing with my professional life. If I wasn’t happy with it, I wasn’t going to find a person who would be happy with it, so I had to make some changes.

I didn’t feel comfortable with my physical appearance so I was going to have to learn to accept myself as I work to become my best self.

I was depressed and so I had to take steps to lift myself up from that depression.

And moreover, I have not created a space for someone to come into my home. Before I can start back dating I have to open up that space.

For example, I am not emotionally ready to get married and move in with someone. The idea of combining my life with someone else makes me uneasy.

I am aware of that and for this reason I am not open to the idea of dating at this point in my life.

There are some changes that are going to have to be made before I could bring someone into my life at that capacity.

Once I have made those changes, then and only then can I begin the dating process.

As for me and my heart, to date before that time would be like those places that take applications for a job but aren’t hiring.

They are wasting everyone’s time.

They are not actively hiring and should simply say so.

I recall that before I would have a new employee start work I had to clean out the work space that they would be working in and remove all traces of the previous employee.

This is similar to how I have to take steps to make sure my heart is completely healed before I try to date someone new.

It would not be fair for me to expect someone new to come in and have to clean up the mess that the last gentleman made.

Before I can date I am going to have to figure out what the minimum requirements are to have my heart.

I don’t have a full list but honesty, faithfulness, shared spiritual beliefs and moral values are definitely minimum requirements.

I recall the amount of time I would spend creating a well thought out bulletin including a brief background of the company, what the job duties of the position entailed what character traits an applicant needed to be successful at the position, the minimum qualifications, the preferred requirements, the benefits and the compensation.

But when it came to my own life I didn’t spend nearly as much thought.

While I had some level of standards my subliminal advertisement for a mate most likely was equivalent to this:

Female with trust, abandonment and anger issues looking for someone to fill a void in my life because I don’t love myself enough to realize that I am the one I am seeking. I am not looking for someone to share my life with because I want to make someone else my life.

Applicant must have a high school diploma, little to no experience required, I will train you and try my best to change you because I have yet to learn that I can’t. I don’t require much, I simply don’t want you to physically abuse me. I don’t want you to cheat on me either but if you do I will forgive you because I don’t realize that I have worth, so I kind of expect to be cheated on.

I prefer someone who I am truly physically attracted to but I will settle for someone who I find mildly attractive because I don’t realize I am beautiful and I figure someone like me has to settle.

With regards to compensation I am a people pleaser so I over give $$$$.  I will let you emotionally drain me. Sure, I will cry and lament telling you that I want you to give back in return but no worries, you will quickly see I am all talk as I will stick around and be your doormat.

By the way previous applicants please feel free to reapply because even though you have made it clear that you really aren’t the best fit, I am scared that no one else will take the position and I am afraid of being alone.

There I was walking around giving off this kind of energy about myself then I wondered why the only type of men who were interested in me were of low quality.

I was behaving like a low quality woman!

So of course Boo Boo the Fool filled out the application for the job.

Men of high quality felt the energy I was giving off and thought ” oh no I don’t want to work there let me see who else is hiring”.

I was so desperate for love I was making excuses for peoples poor behavior.

A person not calling when he says he will is not a quirk.

That is them showing you that they are not a person of their word.

When someone sets off alarm bells at the beginning of your interaction with them, you have to stop allowing them to proceed.

I know for myself there was a time when I would allow others to make me feel uncomfortable because I didn’t want to seem too harsh or overly judgmental.

I wanted people to like me and I figured being “nice” was the way to go.

But I wasn’t being nice, I was being irresponsible.

I was not taking responsibility for my life.

However, I now realize that I am the gatekeeper for my life.

And in order for a person to hold the position of romantic partner or even friend in my life they must go through a screening process and thorough background check.

Sadly, I have begged people to stay in my life who I knew in my gut did not mean me well.

I settled for poor behavior from men who treated me badly because I didn’t see myself for the greatness that I am.

My time, heart, energy, body, thoughts, emotions and space are sacred.

I wasn’t aware of that before but I am now.

I have decided that when it comes to something as special as my heart I will not be giving anyone else the benefit of the doubt.

Does this mean I might end up overlooking some great guys?

Perhaps, but no more than a company would lose out on a good applicant because they refuse to hire someone who is late for an interview, interrupts the interview to use their cell phone, doesn’t dress for the interview, doesn’t know why they want to work for the company, doesn’t meet the minimum qualifications, shows up unprepared or who isn’t a good institutional fit.

And by institutional fit I mean the person may read well on paper and they may score high during the interview but something in the interviewer’s gut tells them the person just is not the best fit for the work environment.

This is akin to when you are dating someone and you can’t put your finger on it but something isn’t quite right.

Our friends and family may tell us that we are just being too hard or operating out of fear.

But no, if you feel like something is wrong it’s because something is wrong.

After years of heartbreak due to not listening to my intuition I have decided I would rather error on the side of being overly safe when it comes to who I allow in my space than I would to error on the side of being reckless.

I have heard that one of the best ways to yield a different result is to do the opposite of what you are doing.

So when it comes to my life my previous behavior is no longer acceptable, I simply must be more protective of my space.

I have had a bad habit of giving my time, space, heart and energy to people who I knew deep down did not mean me well.

In an effort to prevent that behavior I realize that I am going to have to set some boundaries and have some standards.

We have to start seeing the position of romantic partner in our lives as a high value position that can only be filled by a high value person. And in order to do this we must recognize that we ourselves are of high value.

The reason distinguished companies can turn away applicants who fail to meet their minimum requirements and not look back is because a good company knows that while finding high quality people may take time, they themselves are in high demand and another high quality candidate will surely be in the job pool.

We have to stop being afraid to set boundaries and of having deal breakers.

Walking around in fear that if we have boundaries that it will turn people away is not the way to go.

This is because boundaries are designed to turn people away.

The wrong people.

But you want them to leave!

Boundaries and standards saves you from wasting time with people who are not the best fit for you.

Just like assessments prevent companies from wasting their time interviewing people who don’t qualify for the position.

Even though I am on dating hiatus, I do have men approach me. They often ask what I am looking for in a relationship and when I tell them I am looking to be in a mutually exclusive relationship they immediately stop inquiring. I don’t even have to get to the fact that I am currently not dating because the men who currently approach me are only looking to date casually.

Once I start back dating, mutual exclusivity is a minimum requirement for me to be in a romantic relationship with someone. If someone doesn’t want that then we need not waste one another’s time.

Doesn’t mean they are a bad person, but it does mean they are not the right person for me.

You have to have deal breakers. For me I have decided that if a guy says “I am not looking for a relationship right now” he is automatically disqualified from being a contender for my heart. I wish him the best of luck but it won’t be with me.

Am I suggesting that you should make someone feel like they are on a job interview when you date them?

Not at all.

But what I am asserting is that you are the CEO of your life and you have to properly vet people.

Do a background check and have a tough screening process on all applicants who are vying for a position in your life.

And also if everything seems above board but your gut tells you something is off then don’t proceed.

When it comes to your heart if it doesn’t feel right it’s because it isn’t right.

 

Renata Nicole

© Renata Pittman Smith, Renata Nicole and RenataNicole, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Renata Pittman Smith and RenataNicole with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

Diamonds Aren’t Rare!

 

Don’t let the title fool you, I have nothing against diamonds.

I just want you to know they aren’t rare.

A few years ago I read an article about a man who was walking through a diamond mine along with several other visitors when he says he noticed something sparkling against the sunlight.

He walked over to it and retrieved a high value diamond.

I recall reading that park officials said several other people had walked past the same area on multiple occasions for quite sometime and no one had noticed that there was a diamond in plain sight.

It wasn’t until the sun hit it just right that the right person with a keen eye noticed what was right in front of all of the people who were passing by.

The man had paid his admission fee to enter the park and so the diamond was his to keep.

I have often thought of that story.

I thought of all the people who walked right by that diamond and never noticed it.

I thought of how it wasn’t until the right person, at the right time, with the right eye under the right sunlight came along that the diamond was noticed.

Here is the thing – that diamond was a diamond before anyone noticed it.

Upon reading the story I immediately drew a comparison between that story and how just because no one notices you doesn’t mean you aren’t valuable.

When I went to do an internet search so that I could reread the article that had previously caught my attention I discovered several other articles on people who had also discovered valuable diamonds and not only that I learned more about the diamond industry.

When most people think of diamonds they think of Africa.

But diamonds have been known to be unearthed not only in Africa, but in Asia and North America as well.

My point is that diamonds can be found in multiple places.

Just like high value people can be found in multiple places.

We like to think there are no good people in our town, county, borough, municipality, city, state or country but you’re there and you are of value so what makes you think you are the last?

I am not saying it is wrong to look elsewhere I am just saying that when you think compatibility is rare you can easily start to believe that it isn’t within reach.

I had a long-held belief that quality people were rare.

This led me to believe that finding a romantic partner who is of high quality and who would be compatible with me was going to be a tough feat.

I was afraid to hope for love.

In an attempt to prevent my hopes from getting dashed I even tried to convince myself that my desire for a romantic relationship was synonymous with seeking external validation.

But who was I fooling clearly they are not one in the same.

The real reason I wanted to suppress my desire for a relationship was because I feared it wouldn’t happen.

I have decided that I would rather die trying to obtain my heart-felt desires than being afraid to hope for them.

Prior to doing my self work, my thought pattern was askew.

Much in the same way that many people think that diamonds are rare, I thought a good relationship was rare.

But I am now convinced that was simply my perception becoming my reality.

For instance, I know people who have a hard time making friends, but I make friends with ease.

Why?

Because I don’t see it as a hard thing to do.

If I am forming a platonic relationship with someone and I don’t think they are worthy of my friendship I simply don’t entertain them. I don’t worry about being without a friend because I know that it easy for me to make friends and that someone better will come along.

And yet there are some people who are desperate for friendship.

But it doesn’t stop there. There are people who find a new career with ease and then there are others who struggle.

Just like there are people like me who struggle to find romantic love alternatively there are people who seem to not only attract it but also seem to be the embodiment of it.

What if I am right and the reason I struggled finding a relationship was because my perception had become my reality?

For example, I myself have driven just north of a diamond mine on several occasions while traveling through the state of Arkansas without even knowing it.

At the time I didn’t put much thought into diamonds.

I simply figured they must be extremely hard to find because the price of them is so high.

Imagine my surprise when I learned that it is a myth that diamonds are rare.

Diamonds aren’t expensive because they are hard to find.

As a matter of fact the supply for diamonds actually exceeds demand.

So, if  diamonds are in large supply then why are they so expensive?

Diamonds are expensive because of a marketing strategy developed by the DeBeers organization.

According to my research prior to DeBeers successful advertisement, rubies and sapphires were more popular gemstones.

With the help of Hollywood, DeBeers successfully convinced people who” diamonds were a girls best friend” and that every engagement ring should include a diamond.

While I realize many of the tactics utilized by  DeBeers are not admirable, I still think their ability to change how the public perceived diamonds should be noted.

I actually find it quite interesting how someone set the standard for how much something was worth and everything else fell in line.

Much of the credit/disdain for the way most people view the value of diamonds goes to the DeBeers company.

DeBeers did a lot of work obtaining, producing, advertising, unearthing, recreating, harvesting, restricting and displaying diamonds.

However, I have read article  after article all explaining that DeBeers created an artificial scarcity by stockpiling diamonds but only selling them in limited quantities.

So all of this diamond research got me to thinking.

What if quality relationships aren’t rare?

What if it is really my limiting beliefs that cause me to see little evidence of them?

What if it really is my scarcity mentality that causes me to believe that it is going to be hard for me to find someone?

And what if it was my false belief that all men cheat that caused me to experience infidelity in all of my relationships?

I have nothing against diamonds but me knowing that there is an artificial scarcity created through marketing helps me to realize that they are more readily available and attainable than I previously thought.

So what if a good career, good finances, a positive life, healthy friendships, a loving family and romantic relationships aren’t as out of reach as what some of us conceive them to be?

I began thinking about how it is popular in today’s society for us to refer to a “good woman” as a diamond.

But just like diamonds aren’t rare I know that despite all the jaded men walking about who will disagree with me, good women aren’t rare.

I have decided to believe that just like good women aren’t rare, good men aren’t rare either.

It is simply perception becoming reality.

Now do I have evidence of this?

Nope, but “faith is the substance of things hoped for with the evidence of things not seen”.

With my new belief system in tow lets talk a little bit more about diamonds.

Many of us are familiar with the phrase “diamond in the rough”.

It’s a phrase referring to the people who have yet to go through the work, perseverance, pressure and transformation to become secure in their insecurities so like an unpolished diamond they come across as unrefined and rough around the edges.

Understand that the formation of diamonds takes place through high pressure and high temperatures over time and require some polishing thereafter.

But a diamond is still a diamond.

To further expound on that analogy I don’t think that only some of us are like diamonds I think we all are like diamonds.

In the sense that we all are of value.

We are either a diamond in the rough or a polished diamond, but we are all diamonds nonetheless.

I reassert that a diamond is a diamond.

People might say it is a cubic zirconia, but a diamond is a diamond. It doesn’t matter whether people realize it or not, because it is what it is. You never see a diamond telling people its worth. A diamond simply exists.

If someone tries to buy a diamond for less than its value, no jeweler worth their salt would ever let the sell take place.

The point is that you have to know your worth.

Don’t let anyone else define your value!

If someone isn’t smart enough to know your worth then they aren’t on your level in the first place and they don’t deserve you.

Never undersell yourself and never settle.

Always go for the highest bidder.

If someone submits and offer that doesn’t feel right – it ain’t right!

Hold out and wait!

Trust your internal guidance system on who deserves your energy and who doesn’t.

Invest in those who invest in you.

Believe that someone of mutual quality will come along at the right time, under the right ray of sunlight with a keen eye and notice you.

And if you ever have a moment where you catch yourself telling someone your worth recognize that is the precise moment you need to fall back because you have already forgotten your value.

So be a diamond and let the people who can’t recognize you kick rocks

It has taken a lot of soul-searching but I have begun seeing myself as valuable.

Not because I am in high demand or because of any advertising strategy.

But because I am finally starting to have a shift in my thinking where I am accepting what I know in my soul to be true.

I have value!

Those diamonds that were discovered never had to beg anyone to notice them they simply existed.

If someone came along and noticed them great and if no one did they were still great.

The vast majority of people believe that they will only ever be able to afford to buy a cubic zirconia.

They believe in the myth that diamonds are rare so they aren’t even looking to have one of their own.

And even if they do see a diamond they don’t believe that they are in line to obtain something of quality.

So when it comes to identifying a person who loves me I might have to spend some time alone in the jewelry shop window but I have full confidence that someone will come along when the time is right.

Furthermore, when I started to see myself as valuable I decided to no longer deal with people who wanna put me on a rent to own plan.

You know the guys who say they aren’t ready for a relationship  now (with me) but maybe they will be. In other words if I stick around until after they decide they can’t find someone better than maybe just maybe they might settle for lil’ ole me.

Forget that!

No more trying to become something I am not in the hopes of getting someone to finally love me.

Come ready to emotionally invest in me at full price or don’t invest at all.

If someone’s “emotional credit” is bad they need to shop elsewhere.

Thankfully I realize that the same sense of confidence I have in platonic relationships I need to bring to all my other relationships.

When it came to love I used to feel the need to mark down my prices.

Let’s just be honest I am pretty sure I advertised myself on clearance with a bright yellow sticker on more than one occasion.

There I was with a big old sign saying please pick me I am desperate for someone to please pick me!!!!

My low self-esteem and self-hatred led me to settle out of fear that no one would ever love someone like me.

Sadly, there I was a high value person who was so insecure that I sold myself at bargain basement prices.

I may not be rare in the sense that I am a good person but I can assure you that I am rare in the sense that I am a designer’s original.

And we all know that a designer’s original is sold at full price!

Don’t allow people who can’t recognize quality to have you thinking that you are as they perceive you.

Think of all those people who walked past that diamond before the man noticed it. They didn’t see the diamond for what it was but it was still a diamond.

It ain’t your fault that when it comes to love that some people believe they can only afford to give love, care, and honesty at Dollar Tree prices.

The reality is a lot of people can’t see your worth cause they can’t see their own.

They are the emotional equivalent of wealthy people who are penny pinchers. They gotta lot but they only give a little.

Forget those people!

Let them take that Ebenezer Scrooge type of love elsewhere.

And don’t do as I did falling prey to the sly people who can see your worth but realize you don’t so in an attempt to keep you from seeing your value they try to bring you down to their level by price haggling.

You gotta have an energy about yourself that lets them know that when it comes to your heart, time, energy and devotion that this here ain’t a yard sale and they are shopping at Tiffany’s and you demand mutual love, kindness, care, trust and respect.

Don’t fall for anything less.

I think a lot of us are walking around seeing ourselves and behaving like we are lower quality than we really are – don’t do it!

We think other people are of high quality but not us.

I spent decades not seeing the greatness that I am.

I now know that the right buyer will look at me and see me for who I am. They won’t price haggle and they will fall in love with me for who I am – the way I am – flaws and all.

For the first time in my life I get it!

Anyone who doesn’t love me as I am is just a window shopper and we don’t even open the case for window shoppers!

You are worth what you believe you are worth, you command the market!

Renata Nicole

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© Renata Pittman Smith, Renata Nicole and RenataNicole, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Renata Pittman Smith and RenataNicole with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

A Leap of Faith

imageI am one of those people who believe that our dreams often hold significant meaning.

And with that said one of my ongoing childhood dreams is that I am going up a flight of stairs when suddenly I go to take the next step only to find that the next step is missing.

I am able to see more steps ahead of me, however in order for me to reach the steps I would have to take an enormous leap that for all intents and purposes seems impossible.

In my dream I would turn around and look behind me only to notice that the steps behind me have enormous gap as well.

Realizing that I was too afraid to leap forward and too afraid to leap backwards I would be paralyzed with fear.

As a child whenever I would have this reoccurring dream I would often just dream that I stayed there on that step crying, afraid and traumatized until I woke up.

I always hated that dream.

It was something about being stuck, too afraid to go back and too afraid to go forward that just made me feel trapped. In my dream I would be so afraid of falling that I couldn’t move.

I think what made that dream particularly bothersome is because in both my waking and sleeping life I have a fear of heights.

While in my waking life I work to overcome my fear of heights in the dream world the fear is exaggerated. I often dream of strangers pushing me off cliffs and other mishaps involving heights.

But if you know me I am all about overcoming my fears.

So in reality while I will always have a reverential fear of heights, I have flown on planes, experienced my fair share of roller coaster rides (despite suffering from motion sickness), visited the Grand Canyon and driven across high bridges in the state of Texas which is known for having enormously high structures as well as looked into taking a hot air balloon ride so I can challenge myself to live fearlessly.

However, despite my willingness to overcome my fears in my waking life in the dream world heights are something I dread.

Nevertheless, I had the dream the other night and for the first time that I can ever recall I dared to leap.

Not only did I leap, I did the impossible…. I landed.

I took a leap of faith forward and I landed!

As someone who believes that dreams have deeper meaning I instantly knew that not only was I going to have an opportunity come my way but that I was going to have to overcome my fear and take it. And when I did I would be successful.

So of course I woke up from the dream knowing to that surely transition was coming.

I was afraid of the idea of change and assured that I would be okay all at the same time.

I didn’t really know what the transition was but I knew transition was coming.

The dream occurred about a week ago but it wasn’t until about two days ago that I identified a leap that I need to make.

It’s time for me to go back to actively pursuing a career that I truly find fulfilling.

I have previously blogged about how my change in my professional life affected me but I don’t really go into much detail.

I could easily argue that it is because my website is public and that I don’t want that part of my life made available to potential employers.

But that couldn’t be the reason because for over a year now I have been sharing intimate details of my life story with the world.

I have been making myself vulnerable before anyone who cares to research me.

So I may as well put it out there.

I may as well address my real fear now.

My real fear is that I am going to apply for yet another position only to be rejected yet again.

My real fear is that I am going to go on another job interview just to be told that I am overly qualified, or alternatively that I don’t have enough qualifications yet again.

I find it very interesting how I allowed hearing no to prevent me from even trying to look for something that would truly satisfy me.

I settled in a job position that I know that I am overly qualified for because I no longer felt like hearing sorry but your application has been rejected.

A while ago I noticed a similarity in my dating life and my professional life.

I noticed that every time I would go out on a date with someone new I would be told that I wasn’t the person they were seeking, in the same way that I would be turned down after a job interview or application.

I mistakenly thought no one wanted me.

Which I now can clearly see was an exaggeration.

For example I am able to find employment and at times I work three different jobs to make ends meet.

But I am having a hard time finding employment in my chosen field.

Previously, I started a business only to watch it fail.

I am glad I heard no and I am glad the business failed.

Because that rejection and failure made me a better person.

I now know that I can survive failure and that hearing no will not break me.

Also, it caused me to identify opportunities for growth that I didn’t know existed.

It humbled me in areas that I needed to be humbled.

It was most certainly a blow to my ego when I came to the realization that in a years time I had applied to over a thousand jobs only to find myself in an entry level position.

As the mother of three I took whatever work I could find as long as it wasn’t illegal, unethical or immoral.

That led to me eventually settling in a position where I absolutely love my coworkers however I am not using my education, skills and abilities to my fullest potential.

Everyone asks “what are you doing here?” and I simply shrug my shoulders.

I shrug my shoulders or give some lame excuse all because I am too afraid to say the truth.

I am here because I don’t think anyone else will have me.

I have decided that I no longer what to live my life afraid.

I want to live my life boldly and victoriously.

So I have decided to take the leap of faith much like I did in my dream.

Prior to blogging tonight I put in an application for a position that I know that I am fully qualified for that would be both challenging and rewarding. I plan to continue applying for more jobs that fit that specification.

I have a renewed sense of belief in myself.

I decided that sense I am not willing to settle in my love life I can no longer settle in my work life.

I have to be okay with having employers reject me the same way I have to be okay with having men tell me that I am not the woman they are seeking.

Also, I have to be okay with declining job offers that I know are not going to fulfill me the same way I have to be okay declining relationships that are not going to fulfill me.

I recognize that my love life and my work life are not the same thing but they do parallel in many ways to include the fact that my low self-esteem allowed me to settle for less than I deserve in both areas.

Fortunately, I have been working on my self-esteem and I am ready to take the next step.

I decided that I deserve better than the life I have been settling for.

I will admit that a part of me is afraid that I will leave my current job only to realize I don’t like my new coworkers or that I am not intelligent enough to do the work.

To that fear I recite the quote “everything you want is on the other side of fear” and find strength and a sense of inner peace.

I have to believe that the reason I didn’t get those jobs is because they are not the job for me and that God has something out there better for me.

I shouldn’t have given up aggressively pursuing a better career.

Somewhere along the line I went from actively pursuing employment on a daily basis to sporadically looking once a month.

At one point I would look at the jobs and just break down crying because I felt like no one would ever hire me.

I reached that place after driving 5 hours one way for job interviews and job fairs only to be told I had too much education and too much experience.

It was upsetting because as I have previously blogged, in my romantic life I was simultaneously hearing from men that I deserved better, I was too good for them or I came to the realization that the terms for a relationship that they were laying down wasn’t ones I was willing to pick up.

The thing is both the men and the potential employers were right.

I was too good for those jobs and I was better than the type of relationship that those gentleman were offering.

But in both instances I didn’t accurately interpret what they were saying to me.

I took it to mean something was wrong with me.

I didn’t realize it meant to keep looking.

The higher your education and experience the less jobs there are available in the job market for you.

Also the hiring process for higher paying positions tend to take longer as potential employers work hard to vet potential candidates to ensure that the money they invest in a candidate doesn’t go to waste.

And when you want a relationship partner that is going to treat you well you have to accept the fact that everyone doesn’t have the time, energy or capacity to do give you the type of relationship that you seek.

If you are willing to settle for just any type of treatment it is easier to find a relationship partner but the quality people require a good vetting process and while there are many qualified candidates the majority of people you come across will not be in a place to give you a healthy relationship.

When potential employers tell me I am overqualified it is because they feel as though they cannot afford to pay me what I am worth.

And when men tell me that I am too good for them it isn’t that they are bad men it is that they are not in a place to give me the emotional investment that I am seeking.

Previously I thought it meant no one of substance wanted me at their company.

I was internalizing things when I should have been thanking them for the redirection.

I was being so negative about my career search that despite having employers call me back after rejecting me just to assure me that I did nothing wrong in the interview process and encouraging me to keep doing what I was doing, I simply gave up.

I didn’t like being told no.

Because, I had falsely perceived no to mean I wasn’t good enough.

But I have come to a place where I firmly believe that there is an employer out there with a position that would benefit both them an myself fully.

Just like there is man out there who would benefit from interacting with me as much as I would benefit from interacting with him.

I love my current job but I am most certain that not only am I settling I have also grown quite complacent.

While I have learned so much from my current place of employment I know in my soul that it is time for me to take a leap of faith and start looking elsewhere.

God  blessed me with an amazing supervisor and a positive work environment but I know it is time to go.

Most certainly there is a part of me that thinks no one will ever hire me outside of my current employer which I assure you isn’t true.

It may take some time but I know that it is time for me to go.

Because just like I wouldn’t feel right settling in a romantic relationship I can no longer settle in my professional one.

It doesn’t really matter how long it takes for me to find a new position.

What matters is that I keep looking, I keep believing and that I get off my current step and take a leap of faith.

Sometimes we get stuck emotionally and we are afraid to go backwards or forwards and we just sit there. We can do like I did and make excuses for why we are there but the truth is it’s often fear. I have fears just like everyone else but the thing is that I have learned that I would rather try and fail then to fail to try.

I am taking a leap of faith and I hope you do too.

Renata Nicole

© Renata Pittman Smith, Renata Nicole and RenataNicole, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Renata Pittman Smith and RenataNicole with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.