Muddy Waters

Trying to figure this thing out and how to go about it and coming up empty handed.

Feeling like I’m on the right path only to realize I have no idea where I have landed.

Looking back at the past thinking I have treaded muddy waters before and certainly came out clean.

Recognizing the present and hoping that my triumphant past will mirror my present and failure isn’t what my life will mean.

Glimpsing towards the future and imagining that things are better than they seem and this nightmare isn’t reality and simply a dream.

Thinking of the time I felt like a hamster on a wheel cause no matter how hard I ran I just couldn’t gain traction.

Then remembering how now I have noticed I’ve most certainly moved forward and it was not in vain that I gave action.

And yet here I am in muddy waters hoping it will all come out clean in the wash.

Here I am trying to calculate the damage and wondering what will be the final cost.

Will I breathe when this is over or will I expire?

I mean it feels like life or death cause the life I had before has certainly retired.

It’s something about a setback that makes you set back and think.

What am I, who am I, where am I, why am I, how am I ……

I am at the brink….

The brink of something new, something foreign, something unknown, unseen yet necessary.

Perhaps the bump in the road wasn’t sent to my by my adversary.

Maybe I called it forth knowing it was needed.

Perchance in the recesses of my soul I knew this task must be completed.

Could it be that stumbling block is the very thing I need in order to get to where I am going to?

Huh…

If I am honest had I known the valleys necessary for this journey I doubt I would really have agreed to go through.

I had to get thrown off course to be put on the right path.

I had to cry those tears and relearn how to laugh.

That collapsed ego, that frustration, that heartbreak, that loss, that grief……

Eww don’t you dare mention that grief that made me ache from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet

That grief – you know that grief that left me paralyzed….

Paralyzed in the pain that was of colossal size.

I had to hypnotize my mind, and numb the pain before I could even begin to realize….

Realize that my expansion could not come forth and I could not increase in size without what appeared to me as my demise.

My heart’s truth is that even with tears in my eyes I recognize the pain was mandatory for me to achieve my prize.

Battle fatigue from fighting in war after war.

Crying out “No, please don’t send me back to chaos no more!”.

That’s the thought echoing until a new thought forms.

In the time when they tell you, you got to fight once more.

You start crying but you realize you got arsenal in store.

So you start saying okay I’m going to make it out of here or die trying,

Cause last time I fell I spent way too much time crying.

Nah this time I’m retracing my steps and my lessons learned I’ll be applying.

Cause I ain’t spending more time than necessary to go from falling to flying.

All I know is what I know.

And I’m going to take that knowledge and from here I will go.

I will go to a place previously unknown.

Yet granted to me by past seeds I have sown.

This is my story, line by line.

Every period, apostrophe, grammatical error and broken rhyme.

Yeah them muddy waters are going to be treaded and where I’m headed I promise you I’ll come out clean destination unknown except in my dreams.

Love,

Renata Nicole

© Renata Pittman Smith and RenataNicole, 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Renata Pittman Smith and RenataNicole with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

No One Compares

One tree no better than the other, together they make one forest.

One tree no better than the other, together they make one forest. – Renata Nicole

I told my daughter it was okay and that I wouldn’t be upset.

She still refused to go.

I asked her why.

I said “mi hija (mi hija is how I affectionately refer to my daughters) why don’t you want to meet your father’s girlfriend?”

She shrugged her shoulders and slowly replied “I just don’t want to”.

This response came from a spirit who I carried in my womb while her body knitted for nine months; so without her ever saying a word I already knew…

I not only knew that her answer was only a symptom of the truth she was trying to conceal but as her mother I also knew the reason.

I looked at my daughter and I asked her a question that I had a knowing was her truth.

“Is the reason you don’t want to meet her because you are afraid it would upset me?”

A tear rolled down her tender cheek and she softly said “yes”.

I gently inquired, “are you afraid that you might actually like her?”

With her eyes never looking away from her feet she slowly nodded her head up and down.

I looked over at mi hija and I shared a truth with such a confidence that I surprised even myself.

Realize it is okay if you like someone other than me. It is okay because while someone else may do things better than me there are other things that I do better than them. They cannot steal my purpose in your life away from me. This is not a competition and above all else no one on the face of this earth can ever be me.  Never ever see another person as a threat to you, never allow yourself to perceive another person as your competition or a replacement for the person who you were created to be. No one can replace the you that you are. I am unique and the position that I am designed to hold no other person can take away from me. I am Renata and no one can ever do me. You may choose to like things about her that she does better than me, and that is okay. She might be able to clean better, cook better, be kinder or funnier than me, but no one will ever be me. The relationship that I have with you, no one can ever take away. So go and meet her and I pray you like her, because I know that you liking her does not stop me from being your mother.”

There are times when I reflect back on this conversation with mi hija.

The thing is when I was less secure about the woman that I am, I don’t think I could have uttered those words much less believed them.

But those words are my truth. And they go beyond my relationship with my daughter.

I have held relationships with people be they professional, casual, friendships, family or romantic and while the dynamics of the relationships are different my truth still stands.

Someone can like another human being better than me but that person cannot replace me.

I remind myself of this truth when I am passed over for professional positions that I would like to hold or when people choose to spend their time with others instead of me.

While others may do the things that I do and may even do some of those things better, none of them will ever be me.

I don’t say this with arrogance, but complete confidence.

No one can ever climb into the skin that I am in and be me.

A love interest deciding that he would rather be with another woman doesn’t mean that I am less than her. It means he chose something in her that he could not find in me. Thus, if he decides that I am not the one for him, that is a red flag that he is not the one for me.

When I apply for a job and I am told they have decided to go with another candidate, that doesn’t mean I am a worthless person. It means they chose a different person for the position and so if I am not the right one for that job then I am the right one for another job – my job.

When a family member or friend chooses to hang out with others instead of me, it doesn’t mean that I am not their family any more. It means that the people who they are hanging out with fulfill a need in them that they would like met. I cannot be mad because someone wants a need met that I cannot fill.

Here is the thing I have been passed over, left out, and flat out “left” multiple times!

Did it sting?

Absolutely!

But I quickly remembered what I told my daughter.

It isn’t a matter of being better than anyone else. It is a matter that I am growing to accept myself for the unique creature that I am quirks and all.

This leads me to something that I often tell others:

What we call and what feels like rejection is not really rejection. Realize that people are not rejecting you, they are releasing you. They are releasing you to fulfill the position that you are supposed to hold in life.

The reason why it hurts when we are released is because it bruises our ego.

Ego is what cries out to others “Pick me! Validate me! Love me! Better yet how about everyone just make this life all about me!

Starve your ego, lick your wounds and recognize that you were marvelously, wonderfully, beautifully and purposely made. Your life is no accident. And others releasing you serves your divine purpose.

Accept yourself and others will accept you. 

If you accept the person that you are when the time comes that you are released it won’t devastate you so much, because you will not desire and long to be anywhere that your talents are not appreciated.

It will hurt less because you will have a healthier perspective and so you won’t dwell on it for an excessively long or an unhealthy period of time.

And yes sometimes the truth is that the job wasn’t received because you were ill prepared for the interview, the love interest left because you were an emotional mess or the friends walked away because you weren’t being  a true friend back.

When that is our truth we should as always work to be better individuals. Sometimes we can reapply for the job once we have gained more skills, we can show the loss love that we now are emotionally healthy and we can make amends with our old friend.

And yet other times your paths may never cross again.

But when that happens take solace in knowing  the person who you are is perfect for the path you are designed to walk and you have to believe that not only is it a good path but it is your best path.

Love yourself enough to know that no one compares to you.

Renata Nicole

© Renata Pittman and RenataNicole, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Renata Pittman and RenataNicole with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.