Her Spark of Hope

img_2548He was to her fresh energy born from a place she knew not of, experienced in a way she had no understanding.

He made her feel a spark of hope where she had become hopeless and so she genuinely adored him for that.
It was hope that maybe she would find shelter in that of someone else. An extension of peace beyond herself.
She sighed at the thought that when she was weary she might be able to lean on someone outside of herself.
To be able to rest in the arms of someone else and not have to solely rely on oneself.
He felt to her as comfortable as a recliner after a hard days work. Overtime she allowed herself to ease into him and she would like to think that he eased into her.
He gave her hope.
Hope that masculine could provide for her feminine and that her feminine could nurture masculine.
She liked that hope.
No, he was not her shelter, he was the one to spark the hope of its existence and his purpose was as sweet as the scent of honeysuckle.
He bore her no ill will.
He simply was.
Him not being the one to stay didn’t make him wrong but it did make her strong.
Strong in the faith that she didn’t have to face this world by herself.
He made her laugh til her belly ached.
And when he held her she simply felt safe.
She remembered the time he clutched her extra tight. It was the moment of thinking he needed her comfort as much as she needed his and it felt right.
She took her time in getting to know him and wasn’t in a hurry to give him her heart.
She waited for him to endear himself to her, before she allowed her love for him to start.
In the time of getting to know him she learned to enjoy their time together for what it was.
She simply wanted to enjoy the interaction so she could see where it would go.
That’s when he decided it wouldn’t work out, she didn’t take it as a blow.
Recognizing it for what it was she was able to move forward from it.
She would miss him but she carried him in her memories and took forth the gift of hope that he gave her.
The day he came to tell her she was not his match, she had a bruised ego and tears streaming down her face. And yet her heart stayed intact.
Her ego took a bruising as she thought on all the things not right with her that made him make his decision.
She thought of all the others who she cared for where the interaction ended in division.
But she quickly realized this situation was different.
Because as she replayed their interaction wondering what she said or did to make him lose his attraction.
She soon surmised it didn’t matter, for in retracing her steps she realized the entire time with him, she was authentic.
She was free with him and she was genuine.
And that in and of itself was the difference.
It was the first relationship where she allowed herself to be truly comfortable in being herself.
And while on one end she felt pain in the thought that she was rejected for being who she was as well as fear that she was unlovable.
She decided to embrace the hope that she was simply redirected to the one who would love her for who she was and that the man who would intertwine with her heart was not intangible.
The relationship did not end in heartbreak.
He was kind enough to pause the episode before allowing her to continue forward and since only gave what she truly desired to give there was no harm felt from her.
She practiced balanced giving. She allowed him to take the lead so that she could follow. So when he ended the dance with her she took her bow with a new-found hope that she would find her true dance partner on the morrow..
It worked because he was honest in his intentions and his heart was true.
It didn’t work because his desire was for something she could not bring through.
It worked because she waited for him to prove himself before giving him her heart.
It didn’t work because they simply weren’t meant to be he was not the one to play the part.
He simply wanted to know her and that was the purpose of his pursuit.
He wanted to know if she was his match.
And once he knew her he realized his heart could not be attached.
Neither one of them were wrong.
It simply meant they tried.
With the realization that she wasn’t the one he informed her before she ever fell in love that she should refrain. He was completely honest about his interest and provided her no pain.
He did not bruise her ego, the way she chose to understand his words did. And once she licked her wounds she realized if she was not his then he could not possibly be hers.
Upon acceptance of his foresight she expressed gratitude that he could see clearly where she saw dimly.
She wasn’t who he was searching for and so he could not possibly be who she was in search of.
She was grateful for his 20/20 vision recognizing that had they continued to move forth it would have caused a great collision.
Her acceptance of his release of her was key.
It gave her the ability to see that had she tried to convince him otherwise he would have resented her for it.
And so she let him go.
But she held on to the hope.
As well as the memories of how he tickled her and how he played in her hair. As well as how he looked at her and how he showed her care.
She realized the relationship’s lack of continuance wasn’t a bearing on who she was.
Like him it simply was.
A good book doesn’t become bad simply because you reach the final page.
And like all good books their interaction ended. It was a part of her story that had to be accepted for her to move on to her next stage.
He sprung forth in her hope and she was thoroughly captivated by it.
For prior to him she had let that hope die in her youth and yet with wrinkles setting forth on her face through him it was reborn.
She was relinquishing her fear of letting herself love outside of herself and her strong held belief that vulnerability was a catalyst for pain.
She had been told it takes great strength to truly be herself.
And that she understood.
But she also had a deeper knowing that it takes greater strength to trust herself with someone else.
She understood that he was not her missed opportunity.
He was her ability, to hope for love.
She recognized the success of their interaction wasn’t in the amount of time he stayed but in the hope he gave as her ability to behave authentically.
It wasn’t hope in him, it was hope in love and she needed that.
She needed to believe in love outside of herself.
She needed to have comfort in the idea of loving someone else.
There was no requirement for him to stay for her to achieve this hope.
Simply the understanding that he like many before him were simply the one on the way to the one.
He looked at her and he was pleased with her for a while, until he wasn’t.
Initially she had thoughts that perhaps that meant she was insufficient.
And that the separation between where she was and the loved she craved was far too distant.
But those thoughts were drowned out by the knowing that life was sending signals that he simply wasn’t the one.
And yet it was safe to believe in the one’s existence.
She was herself and he rejected her and yet he somehow embedded the hope that if she stayed true to who she was she would be accepted.
She could hold on to the memories but she had to let go of him to find love authentically.
Love,

Renata Nicole

© Renata Pittman Smith and RenataNicole, 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Renata Pittman Smith and RenataNicole with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The Dream, The Belief, The Journey

Photo Courtesy of: Stephanie Cave

Photo Courtesy of: Stephanie Cave

Making the decision to be my unique self meant that I was doing things differently than everyone else.

Anytime we are striving to be ourselves we are working to achieve our purpose.

Thus, I am going down a path that others cannot relate to because it is my path.

Mine and mine alone.

Doing what I feel in my soul to be right means that it may not make sense to anyone else.

There are times when I have been called crazy by my friends and my family.

But I have the confidence in myself to know that I am not crazy.

Different? – Yes

Crazy – No

I made the decision to do things the way I felt in my soul to be right.

I question things and I choose to look behind the veil when others say why question it, lets just do as we are told.

Sometimes I get scared when I try to do what I think is best for me.

There are times when I have to press through with tears streaming down my face because I wonder if it will ever happen.

Especially when I can’t find someone to stand in agreement with me.

It isn’t always easy facing your fears when friends, family and loved ones cannot hear the small still voice inside of you telling you that you are going the right way.

And then there are the thoughts.

Oh you know the ones I am talking about.

Those thoughts of fear that tell you to give up.

The thoughts that tell you that this is too hard.

The thoughts that tell you that maybe someone else could do this but not you.

You are not good enough!

You are not smart enough!

You simply don’t have what it takes to achieve your goals!

You have to understand that that is fear talking to you. And as they say “everything you want is on the other side of fear”.

And to accompany the thoughts of fear are the words of the naysayers.

The people who laugh at you for trying and failing.

The folks who openly judge you whenever you come around.

The ones who ridicule you for daring to dream.

Those who roll their eyes at you and whisper when you walk into the room.

You have to recognize that many people want you to fail because your success makes them uncomfortable.

Your success means that the status quo of doing the bare minimum and going through life and accepting whatever comes and not putting in the work to strive for better isn’t the way to succeed at life.

Additionally, it is as Paulo Coelho in The Alchemist 

“If someone isn’t what others want them to be, the others become angry. Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.”

So why listen the words of others regarding your life when they do not even know what they are doing with their own?

We listen because apart of ourselves believes the negative things they are saying.

I challenge you to stop believing the negatives.

Get to a point where the negative things they say no longer resonates with you and you are able to easily remove yourself from the chatter off the masses.

And you get to the point by deciding what you are going to believe.

Realize that you cannot control what other people say or do and you cannot control your thoughts.

People are going to talk and people are going to judge.

Random things will pop into your mind and you will not have an inkling where they came from.

But the good news is you can control how you feel about what is said about you and the thoughts that enter your mind.

You get to decide if you believe the voice telling you that you are worthless.

You get to decide if you cosign on the notion that you are a failure.

See when you cast out negative thoughts and replace them with positives ones, the voices of negativity get quieter while those of a positive nature will start to echo.

Be your own champion and your own biggest cheerleader.

I use positive affirmations, but here is the thing about positive affirmations – You need to reach a point where you believe the words that are coming out of your mouth.

Me saying statements without any form of belief is just me rambling.

When you speak positively about yourself do it with some level of faith, even if it is the faith the size of a mustard seed.

I dare you to believe in yourself.

Be your own advocate!

You have to come to a place where when people tell you that you cannot achieve the dream that is deeply embedded in your soul that you are able to dismiss it as rubbish.

Your purpose is here for you to fulfill, don’t let the naysayers keep you from it just because they are too afraid to fulfill theirs!

And then we have the hard times.

So let’s talk about the hard times.

Sometimes we step out on faith only to find ourselves falling flat on our bottoms.

I subscribe to the belief that the man that falls and gets back up has achieved far more than the man who has never fallen. This is because the man who has never fallen has never tried to push himself beyond his level of comfort and familiarity.

It is hard when you go through dark periods of your life.

You start to think that trouble will never let up.

And it is even worse when hope gets dangled before you only to have it dashed.

I know what it is to see light at the end of the tunnel and get excited only to find out that it is the headlights of a train flashing before me.

But I had to press through and keep going.

I know what it is to be tired and say this thing isn’t working and want to give up.

I know what it is to lay down my body and think that if I do not wake tomorrow that is fine with me.

But you must faint not and keep on striving to achieve greatness.

Keep hoping.

Keep believing that the dream of something better and greater than what you are currently doing isn’t just a dream but a reality that you are destined to walk into.

Stop listening to those who tell you that you can’t!

Sometimes you will feel as though you have no one to talk to who understands where you are at.

That’s the thing about trailblazing, you are doing a new thing so while some might be able to relate on a certain level they will not fully understand your journey because your journey is your own.

When I find myself in a position where I can’t find anyone who understands me I take this as a signal that I need to spend time alone with myself and to take some time out to talk to God.

I am aware that everyone doesn’t believe in a higher power and to them I say it is at this time that you need to be alone with yourself and dig deep within you and listen to the voice within you that you know to be true.

I encourage you to love yourself enough to continue pressing through and believing that life has more to offer than just getting up, going to work, paying bills and dying,

Life is more than eat and drink.

So LIVE!

I have heard people say that if you do things a certain way life is easy and you will always be happy.

I am not saying that they are wrong (perhaps they truly know a route I do not) I am saying that it has been my own personal experience that sometimes life is painful.

Sometimes life is filled with grief so heavy it can knock a grown man down to his knees.

I don’t have all of the answers, but I know that giving up is not the solution.

I know that listening to people who tell you that you can’t will only result in you walking away from your purpose.

You are going to make mistakes.

You are going to turn left when it would have been better to turn right.

You are going stumble and fall in the same hole repeatedly until you realize how not to stumble.

You are going to run when you should walk and you are going to move when you should stand still.

But that is because you are learning, that is because you are expanding and stepping into your purpose.

I previously used the word “should” but I want you to know that life has a funny way of using even your mistakes to bless you.

So be of good cheer and know that ultimately YOU CANNOT FAIL!

Now don’t mistake my statement that you cannot fail as a call to sit idly by and wait for success to fall in your lap.

That statement is a call to movement not one for you to be stagnant.

Recognize it to mean that if you are doing what you believe to be right and are trying your best that life will bless you even in your mistakes.

And while I do not recommend it, I have witnessed life to be so amazing that even when we go in what we call the wrong direction in purposeful defiance that even then our mistakes can be used to make us prosperous.

Life has a way of working everything out in such a way that your failure will be your success, if you just believe that your call to greatness is true.

The thing about the journey to greatness is that it is just that – a journey.

We like to believe that things just suddenly happen overnight.

But there is the quiet years that no one really knows about.

There is the hard times, the blood, the sweat, the tears, the feeling of loneliness, the loss, the grief and the heartache of feeling like maybe you will never make it. The work of casting out the thought that maybe you should turn back and give up and be like everyone else.

Dreaming that you can be better than you currently are is the initial step, believing you could actually achieve it is the next, doing the work it takes is the journey.

Love yourself enough to dream, to believe and take the journey to greatness. I will not lie and say it is easy. But I will tell you it is worth it. You have a purpose and I encourage you to fulfill it. Some people are going to laugh – ignore them. You are not going to get it right one hundred percent of the time – learn from your mistakes.  You may go through periods where people turn their back on you, they have a right to do that but please don’t turn your back on your dreams. If you have given up, you are still breathing that means your dream is still attainable – attain it!

Renata Nicole

© Renata Pittman, Renata Nicole and RenataNicole, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Renata Pittman and RenataNicole with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.