Muddy Waters

Trying to figure this thing out and how to go about it and coming up empty handed.

Feeling like I’m on the right path only to realize I have no idea where I have landed.

Looking back at the past thinking I have treaded muddy waters before and certainly came out clean.

Recognizing the present and hoping that my triumphant past will mirror my present and failure isn’t what my life will mean.

Glimpsing towards the future and imagining that things are better than they seem and this nightmare isn’t reality and simply a dream.

Thinking of the time I felt like a hamster on a wheel cause no matter how hard I ran I just couldn’t gain traction.

Then remembering how now I have noticed I’ve most certainly moved forward and it was not in vain that I gave action.

And yet here I am in muddy waters hoping it will all come out clean in the wash.

Here I am trying to calculate the damage and wondering what will be the final cost.

Will I breathe when this is over or will I expire?

I mean it feels like life or death cause the life I had before has certainly retired.

It’s something about a setback that makes you set back and think.

What am I, who am I, where am I, why am I, how am I ……

I am at the brink….

The brink of something new, something foreign, something unknown, unseen yet necessary.

Perhaps the bump in the road wasn’t sent to my by my adversary.

Maybe I called it forth knowing it was needed.

Perchance in the recesses of my soul I knew this task must be completed.

Could it be that stumbling block is the very thing I need in order to get to where I am going to?

Huh…

If I am honest had I known the valleys necessary for this journey I doubt I would really have agreed to go through.

I had to get thrown off course to be put on the right path.

I had to cry those tears and relearn how to laugh.

That collapsed ego, that frustration, that heartbreak, that loss, that grief……

Eww don’t you dare mention that grief that made me ache from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet

That grief – you know that grief that left me paralyzed….

Paralyzed in the pain that was of colossal size.

I had to hypnotize my mind, and numb the pain before I could even begin to realize….

Realize that my expansion could not come forth and I could not increase in size without what appeared to me as my demise.

My heart’s truth is that even with tears in my eyes I recognize the pain was mandatory for me to achieve my prize.

Battle fatigue from fighting in war after war.

Crying out “No, please don’t send me back to chaos no more!”.

That’s the thought echoing until a new thought forms.

In the time when they tell you, you got to fight once more.

You start crying but you realize you got arsenal in store.

So you start saying okay I’m going to make it out of here or die trying,

Cause last time I fell I spent way too much time crying.

Nah this time I’m retracing my steps and my lessons learned I’ll be applying.

Cause I ain’t spending more time than necessary to go from falling to flying.

All I know is what I know.

And I’m going to take that knowledge and from here I will go.

I will go to a place previously unknown.

Yet granted to me by past seeds I have sown.

This is my story, line by line.

Every period, apostrophe, grammatical error and broken rhyme.

Yeah them muddy waters are going to be treaded and where I’m headed I promise you I’ll come out clean destination unknown except in my dreams.

Love,

Renata Nicole

© Renata Pittman Smith and RenataNicole, 2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Renata Pittman Smith and RenataNicole with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Discomfort vs Pain

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For a couple of months now I have been complacent and complaining about issues in my life that were bothering me without taking any action in order to make a change.

Day after day I would pick up the phone and talk to my loved ones complaining about my dissatisfaction with a variety of areas of my life.

And to take it further I found myself becoming physically ill from the environment I was allowing myself to maintain.

I was growing comfortably uncomfortable and settling for things that didn’t make my soul happy. But I thought maybe I just needed to push through. I mean we all face new things that we are not comfortable with. That doesn’t mean we should give up.

Or does it?

I tried not to complain about what I was experiencing because as the saying goes we need to have an attitude of gratitude.

And yet despite my attempt to suppress my dissatisfaction there I was sharing my negativity with others.

For “out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks”.

Sadly, I was complacent simply whining to others about my dissatisfaction and watching my energy levels decrease because I was no longer working to fulfill my life purpose.

I have the same 24 hour day as everyone else but for about 2 months now I was consciously choosing not to maximize it.

There I was knowing what I needed to do, but settling for whatever the day brought me.

I mean what happened to me having a plan?

I have made it no secret that I have to actively work not to allow my  eating addiction to shorten my life span.  And yet, I found myself making one poor dietary choice after another.

Also, I have not hidden from anyone that my journey to loving me has had setbacks. However, I figure that is expected to happen because I’m human. But just because setbacks are something that occurs doesn’t mean I should not try to get back on track!

Thankfully, I woke up on Friday and realized that the way I was living wasn’t putting me first.

I was so busy putting the lives of others above my own, out of my own volition and coming up feeling empty.

Why?

Perhaps because it served as a distraction from me putting in the work that would be necessary to get to where I want to go in this life.

And why would I do that?

Because bettering myself is hard work, so convincing myself that being a martyr made me a good person and also served to help me to distract myself from my purpose and fall into my pattern of finding myself in a codependent relationship.

I know that blogging brings me pleasure and yet it’s been months since I have. All because I was choosing to occupy my time trying to make others happy and neglecting myself.

Furthermore, I went from exercising 5 days a week to not exercising at all.

The result – I fell sick twice in less than a month to include a visit to the emergency room (no worries I am okay), I hurt the feelings of a person I love by ending a codependent relationship, I lost focus and ultimately I stop choosing me.

So what’s a girl looking to live life to the fullest to do?

-Get back on track.

I have often wrestled in my mind whether to push through the pain of life and believe for better or to see it as a signal that what we are enduring isn’t for us.

I have come to the conclusion that many of us are unnecessarily accepting devastating pain as normal. Which results in us settling for less than what life has for us.

I arrived at this by coming into remembrance of something I heard over a decade ago. At the time I was listening to physical trainer Jeanette Jenkins speak about pain experienced during physical exercise. She explained that while exercising may bring discomfort, it shouldn’t cause excruciating pain. 

And yet in a period of months my life had gone from being uncomfortable to being painful.

I was so stressed it hurt to turn my neck and yet I continued to ignore my body’s warning signal that the life I was living wasn’t for me.

I decided it was time to accept the pain for the warning signal it was and to start making changes.

And so I started taking steps to maximize those 24 hours I had been wasting away.

This included making better eating choices, exercising, taking my vitamins, being honest with myself that I was being codependent and in turn hurting both myself and the person I was enabling. And as evidenced by this blog entry I started back writing and taking other steps to fulfill my life purpose.

Allowing myself to be engulfed in someone else’s problem in an attempt not to take responsibility for my own isn’t something that is new to me.

I explained in a previous blog that I have used my relationships with other people to distract me from working on me.

Don’t get me wrong there is nothing wrong with healthy relationships but for some reason when I don’t want to do the work of improving myself I will subconsciously find someone and try to fix their life while neglecting my own.

It never works but it’s a familiar practice.

When I opened my eyes to the fact that I was trying to save someone when I have full awareness that we can only save ourselves, I knew I had to be honest with myself and except that I was going in the wrong direction.

I don’t believe that we are called to forsake our purpose and live in discontent by enabling others.

I also don’t believe we are supposed to settle for a life that doesn’t make us feel fulfilled.

Many of us get up and go to work at a job we don’t enjoy and never question why week after week, month after month and year after year we speed so many hours doing something that doesn’t make us truly happy.

We stay in relationships that we know aren’t helping because we fear being alone otherwise.

We neglect ourselves physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally and just wait for the sun to go down and come back up again the next day.

And we forsake our childhood hobbies and our deepest dreams and go into doldrums and say, “that’s just the way life is”.

I have decided not to do that and to stop calling pain normal.

I can’t save anyone else, but I can save myself and I hope that you will choose to save yourself.

Love,

Renata Nicole

© Renata Pittman Smith and RenataNicole, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Renata Pittman Smith and RenataNicole with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Thanks for the Pain

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Photo Courtesy of Danny Spencer Thomas

I once had someone come into my life and toy with my emotions at a time when I was emotionally fragile.

I think that of all the emotional pain I have ever endured it was by far the one that caused me to grow the most.

The heartbreak came after my divorce and I was pretty vulnerable.

I believe that had I been in a better place emotionally, it wouldn’t have torn my world asunder.

But there is something about being already vulnerable that allows the winds of deception to blow you to a place where your heart just doesn’t think it will ever recover.

When this heartbreak came, I looked inward, outward and all about.

I wanted to blame him, life and anyone who passed by.

But ultimately I had to take responsibility for my role in my story.

I had to take ownership of all the red flags I overlooked.

For it was me pretending that what wasn’t okay, was okay.

It was me turning a blind eye to the obvious.

He is responsible for his actions, but I am responsible for my reactions.

I have to take ownership for ignoring my intuition, for staying when I knew I should leave and for accepting poor behavior.

And I am responsible for something else…

I’m responsible for picking up the pieces and carrying on.

And with that responsibility I looked inward.

I asked myself why I allowed myself to be treated so badly, why I lied to myself and why I was cheating myself out of the love I deserved.

I may never know what caused him to betray me at such a high level. And that is okay. His story is his own. But what I do know is what caused me to betray myself.

I didn’t see myself as worthy or lovable and so I sold myself short.

I settled for lower-level love because I didn’t acknowledge myself for who I truly was.

They tell me that hurting people hurt people.

So based on the depth of the blow I received, that man must have really been hurting.

If the pain he inflicted on me is any measure of the pain he lives with then his pain must be excruciating.

I was so hurt by that heartbreak that at times I believed I would never be able to breathe normal again.

I recall my heart being so shattered that I would often find myself reaching for Tylenol in an attempt to numb the pain.

You see, the emotional pain of that heartbreak managed to manifest itself as physical pain because it was too unbearable for me to process solely on the emotional level.

Thus, I had to relearn how to breathe because my heartache was just that deep.

On even a shallow in breath my heart would ache.

I was literally experiencing chest pains after my heart break.

I remember laying on my couch teaching myself how to breathe through the seconds.

Managing the in breath – out breath process of living through 60 seconds was harder than I care to admit.

But in through the nose out through the mouth I somehow managed.

And from the seconds I learned to breathe through the minutes.

With each breath of wallowing through the minutes, I was some how led to find the strength to crawl through the hours.

And with the shallow pant of each breath I climbed up through the shadow of the days, then with the flow of the outward breath I limped through the weeks and finally I breathed in and breathed out as I walked through the months.

I read self help books, listened to teaching tapes, and I became well acquainted with all the platitudes, but no words eased my soul.

I was in pain.

I wanted to sleep through it, eat through it, go around it, numb it, subside it, ignore it, and suppress it.

But I knew that wasn’t how it works.

And so I went through it.

The hardest part was I had to accept that “the person who broke me, would never be the one to fix me”.

How could he?

Anyone who goes about bringing pain to those who mean them well obviously have something broken on the inside of them that makes their capacity to show up for someone else void.

How could he possibly show up for me when he couldn’t even show up for himself?

People who return love with pain are the type of people who are living with insurmountable pain.

But don’t get me wrong him being in pain doesn’t make his actions okay, nor does it mean that anyone should tolerate his emotional abuse.

But acknowledging that his actions were most likely birthed from pain does help make it easier for me to forgive what happened to me.

I know what it is to lash out on someone I love because I had a bad day at work.

So how much more does a wounded child who goes about masquerading as a grown man inflict pain on the one who dares to care?

His behavior wasn’t right, but I suspect it was rooted in fear and pain.

He couldn’t be a friend to me, because he wasn’t a friend to himself.

He took me for granted because it was granted that I would always be there.

And so I forgive him.

He was my greatest teacher.

He taught me that not loving myself would lead me to a life of pain.

He helped me see that no one was coming to heal me of my emotional wounds or save me from my problems.

It wasn’t until I interacted with him and was knocked down to the ground that I learned that I was going to have to stand on my own two feet.

If I wanted to feel valued, loved, honored, trusted, worthy, respected and appreciated then I was going to have to tap into my own resources and lace up my emotional bootstraps all by myself.

There was no man coming around handing out an external validation badge of honor that would deem me worthy of love.

And helping to bring me to that awareness was the greatest gift he could have ever given me.

He showed me that I have all the power to pick myself up.

I thank him for that spiritual lesson.

They say that as iron sharpens iron one man sharpens another, and he made me sharper than I have ever been.

I would never want to sit in a classroom under his direction again, but I can assure you that I value the lessons I learned from him.

Indeed my most painful life lesson was my biggest blessing.

I have yet to fully recover from that interaction, but I am better Renata because of it.

I think that when you really love someone, you give them a piece of your heart forever.

As weird as this may sound, I have no regrets with sharing a piece of my heart with the person who took my heart for granted because he played a major role in sending me on my self-love journey.

My desire to love myself was birthed from the unbearable pain of being unloved.

Interacting with him made me so uncomfortable that I knew I had to change the way I was living my life.

Without a doubt he taught me to NEVER place something as valuable as my heart in the hands of someone who hasn’t earned it.

And I’m ALWAYS going to love him for that.

He taught me that it’s okay to be vulnerable, but only with someone who has taken the time out to emotionally invest in me.

From him I learned there is a difference between being kind and being foolish.

He showed me that letting someone trample my heart was my way of being unkind to myself and foolish to the world.

My pain isn’t unique.

I’m not the first and I won’t be the last.

My heart now beats with a quiver, but as I previously stated she still beats.

I am thankful for that heartbreak because it made me determined to love me.

He wasn’t the one to heal me, but he was the one to help me find the ultimate path to loving me.

Everyday I fall in love with me a little bit more.

I love my laugh that people say is way too loud.

I love my hair that by some is deemed too coarse or woolly.

I love my size which I used to despise, my skin tone, my blemished skin, my inquisitive mind, my quirks, my crooked teeth, the awkwardness of my gate when I walk, my weaknesses, my strengths, my heart and my soul.

I love myself!

I am learning to be secure in my insecurities and to trust myself.

So can I forgive the man who came into my life after the heartbreak of my divorce and broke my heart further?

Of course I can.

My heartbreak was not his doing alone.

It is me who is responsible for my heart.

I gave him permission to throw my heart on the floor when I didn’t value it enough to keep it out of the hands of the one who hadn’t earned it.

Giving him my heart was the equivalent of giving a toddler fine crystal and then getting mad when they break it and then walk off without even acknowledging what has occurred.

Of course he broke my heart!

People who don’t love themselves don’t know what to do with the love from another. So like fine crystal in the hands of a toddler they are going to let your heart slip.

They don’t know the value of what they have any more than the toddler knows the value of fine crystal.

They do not know how to cradle, care for, polish or maintain it.

They may not intend to drop it, but drop it they will.

Because that’s what people who don’t know what love is do.

They don’t believe that it is real so they treat it like something that is common.

They can’t relate to it so they toss it around like it’s casual.

They may even throw it up against the wall and toss it about on the floor only to trample it in an attempt to test its authenticity.

But at some point we must realize that it isn’t our job to go about teaching grown people how to love us.

No, our job is to love ourselves enough not place our heart into the hands of the people who don’t know how to love in the first place.

I am the gatekeeper to my heart. How dare I let someone trespass and trample about on such sacred ground.

Time and time again I failed at the job of protecting my heart.

It was me who gave the men in my life my heart to break and each time it was me who scraped the pieces up off the floor and began the process of stitching them back together only to yet again place my shattered heart back into the hands of someone who didn’t value it.

Some pieces I will never recover.

But having  a torn heart doesn’t count me out. This battered heart of mine sustains me with a rhythmic beat all her own.

And so yes, I am glad he taught me what love wasn’t.

I now know that I don’t have to chase love because real love is freely given. I know that the person who sees me as low value isn’t the person for me.

I know that if a person’s actions and words don’t match up then that person doesn’t match up with me.

It hurts when you find out that you meant nothing to the person who meant the world to you.

But you can ALWAYS take your heart back!

I decided to love me and nurse my heart back to wholeness.

No one else might value my heart, but I do and that’s what matters!

Some days are better than others.

I think my hardest moments are when my mind flashes back to the pain and I have to remind myself I’m not in those moments any more.

What happened has happened.

I also have to remind myself that my story isn’t unique.

I am not the only one who has known betrayal.

Others before me have had and others will have pain as a bedfellow.

There are the times I have to remind myself that I survived heartbreak before and therefore I can survive it again.

There is a purpose for my pain.

My pain made me so uncomfortable I became determined to change.

For the first time I am experiencing  regular doses of self-love and it feels amazing.

I have been pampering myself and I am making plans to take myself on trips around the world.

I now speak highly of myself and choose not to engage with those who put me down.

I respect myself and call myself beautiful.

I take better care of myself mind, body and soul.

I spend time with myself alone – just me and no one else and I cherish that time and see it as sacred.

I am no longer looking for someone to come into my life and make me feel loved, because I realize that I am the love I am seeking.

If it took massive heartbreak for me to realize that I am the love of my life then I can assure you that despite the pain and the tears I have no regrets.

I previously wished someone would have come along and healed me of my pain, because I thought it would be faster.

I wanted them to come simply because I doubted that I had the capacity to heal my own broken heart.

But I mustered up the strength not to take a short cut.

I decided that I was going to have to heal this heart of mine the long way round.

Diving into another relationship or looking for a rebound has never been my style.

I am glad I took the time out to love on myself because for the first time in my life I understand that it’s okay if I never have a romantic relationship with someone.

Valuing myself is all I need.

I am an amazing woman and I don’t need anyone outside of myself to see that for it to be true.

So yes, I am so thankful for heartbreak, because it made me fall in love with me!

Love,

 

Renata Nicole

© Renata Smith and RenataNicole, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Renata Smith and RenataNicole with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

 

All Too Familiar No

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Photo Courtesy of: Jamie Kathleen Haughaboo

There is something about being told no that can leave us feeling depleted.

When you have what you consider to be a bright idea and present it to someone only for then to inform you that they don’t think your idea is any good, it has the potential to stop many of us dead in our tracks.

Especially if we view the person as an authority on the subject matter.

There no can cause us to think that we don’t have what it takes to stand toe to toe with others or to be seated at the table with those who are at the place where we are so eagerly would like to pull up a chair.

But then we hear stories of people who were told no several times and then they finally hear that one yes that affirmed them.

There are always rumors of people who go from the bottom to the top, but those people are far and few between.

Nevertheless, those people give us hope.

But as I think of those people, I also think how can I be certain that I have what it takes to make it to the top?

I mean for all the people I hear of who made it, I know hundreds more who didn’t.

So am I one of the few people who will make it or am I one of the hundreds of people who will give up.

The truth is I don’t know. But I am going to die trying to achieve better.

I have to.

I owe it to myself to keep trying.

Because giving up on my dreams simply doesn’t work for me.

If I die a dreamer, I die a dreamer.

For, I would rather die a dreamer than die hopeless.

I arrived at this conclusion after literally being rejected over a thousand times in one year in an attempt to achieve one of my dreams.

So the way I see it is that when it comes to being told no, I am a master. For surely, I myself have become all too familiar with hearing the word no.

It was about four years ago when I realized that when it comes to my life that I have to stop settling.

I didn’t know how to stop but I knew I had to stop.

I didn’t know that decision would lead me on a path to hearing no repeatedly.

I am not confident that had I known from the beginning how hard this road would have been that I would have journeyed it.

It seems as if my whole life fell apart after deciding that I had to love myself enough to no longer settle.

But as they say, sometimes when it seems things are falling apart they are really coming together.

For example, it was at the height of me hearing the word no that I began this blog.

Who would have thought hearing the word no an overwhelming number of times would have propelled me to begin a journey of finally realizing that I have to love myself?

To that I say thank God for no.

I give thanks to the word no despite the fact that there was a point when its utterance caused me to jettison myself down to rock bottom.

I felt like life was never going to get any better.

No, I take that back. I knew that life would get better, but I didn’t want to go through the process of waiting for it to get better.

I am all for the mountain top experiences but I didn’t feel like enduring the pain that it would take for me to finally reach the pinnacle.

I was like those people who try to lose 50 pounds in a month. I didn’t want to eat right and work out and lose the weight in a year or two… No I wanted success right now!

I was also making the mistake of thinking that no meant never.

There I was sulking, feeling pitiful for myself and telling my sob story to anyone who would listen to it.

I became someone I didn’t know and didn’t want to know.

I think in many ways I lost my mind.

I am glad I lost whatever it was, because I am now clearer than I have ever been in my entire life.

I can now clearly see that all that rejection was not a judgment on who I am as a person, but at the time old me couldn’t recognize that.

Old me failed to see that no one in this world can define me, but me.

I was in such a poor mental state that I thought that if I went out on a date and it wasn’t a match that it meant that I wasn’t good enough.

I failed to see the obvious – it simply meant that it wasn’t a match.

My self-esteem was in such a bad place that I didn’t know that I was supposed to be trying to see if the person was compatible with me, not if I was good enough for him.

If I went on a job interview and was declined an offer I thought it meant I wasn’t good enough for the position.

I didn’t know it meant that there was a position that was out there that would allow me to better utilize my education, skills and experience in a way that would allow me to excel and grow in a positive environment.

When people betrayed me and hurt me I thought that said something about me, I didn’t know it was a reflection of who they were.

I was unaware of the fact that I am in transition and while in transition I am simply learning who I am and who I am not. I am learning what I want and what I don’t want.

Now is not the time to give up, now is the time to push forward.

I have learned that the reason I am being told no isn’t because I am not good enough, I am being told no because I am in the preparation period of receiving what is best for me.

Hearing yes prematurely would ultimately cause me more harm than good.

I see that now. However, there was a time when hearing the word no made me feel like something was inherently wrong with me and that I would never get things right.

I thought my life was some sort of cosmic joke.

I had to get a grip on myself.

The pity party had to end.

Thankfully, I was surrounded by friends and family who were there for me and who helped me to make my way through my darkest hours.

I wish this was a blog about how I have reached my mountain top.

But the truth is that I haven’t even reached flat land.

I still am in the valley lows.

But the thing is that I am no longer in the doldrums.

I think there is a time and a place for everything and that our experiences are necessary for our ultimate expansion.

So while I don’t regret my time being stagnant, I must tell you that I celebrate the moment that something inside of me clicked and I decided to let each no empower me to keep looking.

The reason that I was in the doldrums was because I allowed myself to become paralyzed with fear.

I was in such a bad place that I let the idea of hearing no keep me from even trying.

I would sit there on my couch in fear of everything.

But some how I got off of that dat burn couch!

Now a closed-door has become a signal that I am being pointed in the right direction.

I know it seems cliché but I truly had to become thankful for closed doors.

I had to work to overcome my fear of having a door closed in my face.

There are times when I think ‘what will people think of me’.

But I have come to a place where I realize that people are going to think what they want to think and for the most part people are far too self-absorbed to give much thought about what is happening in my life.

So if I fall in front of the world and the world laughs at me, I know I will have fallen trying to climb the highest mountain and I find comfort in that.

I have yet to even come close to reaching the top of my mountain, but I won’t stop climbing.

My door hasn’t opened but I have had windows open left and right.

I know what it is to be scared.

But I have learned to make it moment by moment.

I know what it is to not know how I am going to make it or how I will have my needs met and yet those same situations caused me to learn not to live in fear because I have not lived a day with my needs unmet.

There are times when I have been afraid to have hope, because having hope always puts me at risk of being let down.

No one wants to experience the pain of disappointment.

But who was I kidding, I was already disappointed.

I had nothing to lose so I may as well have hope.

The way I see it is that if I die without fulfilling my dreams and I never see anything that I want materialize how is that much different from being negative and still not seeing it manifest?

I would rather try and fail than not try and always wonder.

Like I said I wish this was a success story blog, but I surmise that some how in many ways it is.

It is my story of how I decided that I can hear no until my dying die, but I am not going to allow that word to measure my worth.

People can continue to reject me and it’s okay because I accept me.

I accept me flaws and all.

I will continue working to improve myself.

Not because I am not good enough, but because as long as I have breath in my body I plan to continue to cultivate myself into something better than I was before.

Ultimately I am the greatest benefactor of my growth process.

So, people can continue to tell me no and that I am too much of this and not enough of that.

And I will still be here, still standing, still breathing and still mountain climbing.

If I die never having reached the top I am okay with that.

What I am not okay with is me dying without trying.

This isn’t a platitude without any substance for I can truly say that I am thankful for all the times I heard no.

It was in hearing no that I was saved from being in toxic relationships with people who did not mean me well.

It was in hearing no that I was rejected for employment positions that I thought I wanted but through redirection I was placed in the presence of amazing people who I don’t think I would have met otherwise.

I can genuinely say that those encounters were well worth the no, for the value of those encounters is priceless.

If I told you that hearing no that much was easy I would be a liar.

My truth is that I spent a lot of time on my couch as I became familiar with no.

I would think this is too hard. Nothing is working, I can’t get any traction.

I felt like a hamster on a wheel. I was doing a whole lot of moving but I wasn’t going anywhere.

I was upset because I made the mistake of thinking that those no’s meant I would never hear yes.

Also, I wanted someone to come and save me.

Ironically, I think what was most bewildering to me were the people who would come into my life and offer to help me without me asking for any assistance only for them to disappear from my life.

I would sit there confused wondering what was the point of them interrupting me just to leave?

I felt like God was mocking me.

I thought to myself, ‘I was doing just fine at making it the best I could only to have someone dangle hope in front of me for the sole purpose of snatching it away’.

But I have learned God was not mocking me.

Those people let me know that there was no one coming to save me, if I was going to make it, I was going to have to make it.

I recall at one point being so disillusioned I actually got upset at the idea that once I finally do make it that people would come into my life and want to be apart of it.

I thought ‘if you don’t want to be here when I am struggling then when I make it no new people better not show up!’.

I was mad at people who I don’t even know and who aren’t even apart of my story because they weren’t there for me when I felt like they should be. – Yep I was crazy.

And I was mad at people for not being who I wanted them to be for me.

There they were, being who they were and I was mad that they weren’t who they weren’t.

Quite frankly, I was just mad.

Thankfully, I came to my senses.

I am now at a place where I hold no ill will towards the people who promised to help but didn’t. Because truth be told they offered me a much-needed glimmer of hope.

I smile at the thought of the people who will come when I reach my mountain top because I now realize they couldn’t possibly be here for me now, because they are busy mountain climbing there own mountain.

And I forgive the people who couldn’t be who I wanted them to, because the truth is it was never their job to be anything more than who they are. I accept them for who they are and I thank them for being authentic.

I also am thankful for those people who are here with me right now while I am in my valley cheering me on.

But oddly enough I am especially thankful for the hope danglers. This is because when I reflect back it felt good having hope. They helped me to see that being hopeful made me happier than being negative, so why should I let hope go just because they walked away from the table?

This quest of mine is between me and the divine alone.

The reason that I haven’t heard yes isn’t because I am not good enough.

I haven’t heard yes because the time has not yet come.

I am not prepared for yes.

If yes came before I was ready then my dreams would surely crumble before me.

So what do I do in the meantime? – I enjoy the meantime.

Yep that’s right I enjoy the struggle.

I embrace the lessons, I learn through the tears and I trust the process.

I don’t like grief, heartache and depression, because they are painful.

But I learn far more through the hard times than I do during the good times.

Does it hurt me when my hopes are dashed? – Not like it used to.

Because now I realize that it is simply redirection and not rejection.

But you want to know what hurts more than having hopes dashed? – Being hopeless.

Truly, all these closed doors are simply helping to direct me to an understanding of what I do want and what I don’t want.

Hearing no, doesn’t mean you give up on your dream.

Hearing no, gives you redirection on how to achieve your dream.

When things fell apart for me I thought I knew what I wanted.

Now I realize that if I received what I thought I had wanted I would never have uncovered the beauty of who I am and begun to unearth my true potential.

Thank God for no. Because it was all those times I heard no that has helped me as I journey on my way up.

So don’t be afraid of no.

Love,

 

Renata Nicole

Renata Pittman Smith, Renata Nicole and RenataNicole 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used provided that full and clear credit is given to Renata Nicole with appropriate specific direction to the original content.

 

 

I’m Ready to Heal!

imageHave you ever had a cut and didn’t notice it until someone pointed it out to you?

It is weird how until you look down and see the injury you can walk around exposed and bleeding but yet feel no pain until someone draws it to your attention and then you look down and your brain processes the situation and instantly you feel pain.

Lately, I have been feeling much better about myself and life in general.

My broken heart that seemed as though it would never heal is beating stronger than I recall it beating in years.

I have been building positive healthy relationships and an increased sense of self-esteem that has led me to start making moves to get my professional career back on track.

Things are looking up!

While I could definitely stand to refocus myself on my fitness and nutrition I can assure you that my emotional well being is in a far better place than I recall it being in a long time.

So with that said, imagine my surprise when I realized that a place of pain in my life that I thought was most surely healed is still wounded.

Iyanla Vanzant says, “When you can tell your story and it doesn’t make you cry, that’s when you know you’ve healed”.

I believe that statement to be true.

And with that said, I recently found out an area of my life where I am most certainly not healed.

My wound came to my awareness while I was speaking with a gentleman about male and female interactions and dating. During our conversation the subject turned personal and I explained to him that it is very rare that men ever ask me out and that I can go months or even years without a guy showing interest in me.

All was going well with the conversation until he looked at me and asked, “How does that make you feel?”.

The question took me by surprise.

But what was even more surprising was the emotions that stirred up inside of me upon hearing the question.

I remember I chose not to make eye contact with him out of fear that I would start crying and that I quickly diverted my gaze.

I immediately found something to distract myself so that I could fight back the tears that were forming and then I told him a lie.

I said, “you know it used to bother me and make me feel like I was ugly or that something must be wrong with me but now I know better.”

My lie wasn’t a conscious lie, it was a cover.

The cover was so good I almost believed it until I realized that had it been my truth then I would have cried when I spoke it.

This is because even though my words came out with ease inside I felt unease.

There was a mismatch, therefore it could not have been my truth.

I was hurting inside at the question and yet my response felt smooth, and easy and I most certain it dripped of false confidence.

I wish what I said was my truth but the fact that his question triggered pain let me know that there is still a part of me that isn’t pleased with myself.

It isn’t so much that I believe I am physically ugly.

And it isn’t the great distance of time that lapses before a man expresses interest that I find alarming, because I have had enough of my female friends share with me that it isn’t often that men ask them out either (and I have some stunningly beautiful friends).

No, it is because deep down I think the reason men don’t ask me out that often is because I am overweight.

And sadly, my self-esteem is so low that when someone shows interest in me I am often surprised that they are okay pursuing someone my size.

And yet in a twist the reason my response to him was able to come out with ease is because I have not always been overweight.

So my statement that I used to think it was because I was ugly wad a half truth at best.

There was a time in my life when I would tell myself that the reason men don’t pursue me was because I was ugly.

But I started seeing myself as beautiful and I immediately replaced the reason with it being because I am overweight.

When guys try to talk to me I don’t know how to process it.

Because somewhere in myself I simply refuse to see myself as good enough to be worthy of romantic love.

I have blogged about the subject of my weight and how I want to reach a place where I love myself no matter what I weigh.

Unfortunately, I clearly am not there yet because as much as I try to be okay with things I am still ashamed of my weight.

I have this false belief that my weight defines me.

I look at myself and I think that I am beautiful but I can’t shake the thought that my weight makes me look disgusting.

While I definitely need to eat healthy and exercise I don’t like the fact that I have this false belief that I am disgusting because I am overweight.

I think that my weight is actually a symptom of something deeper than me eating my pain.

I think that I use my weight as an excuse not to open myself up emotionally because I have a fear of getting rejected.

Don’t get me wrong I know there are men who will love a woman who is my size and larger and see her for the greatness that she is.

But I have been living with myself long enough to know that my weight is about so much more than the fact that I love eating simple carbohydrates.

I am using my weight as an excuse.

I don’t really want to get in shape because if I did I would already be in shape.

I am overweight because I have convinced myself that it serves me.

It serves me because I am afraid that if I am in shape and a man still rejects me then what story do I get to tell myself as to why the relationship failed?

What do I get to blame him leaving or not loving me on?

I am afraid that if I look amazing and he still doesn’t choose me then that means that instead of him rejecting my body that he is ultimately rejecting me?

He would be rejecting me the same way my father did, the same way that the other men did.

And I am still making fruitless attempts at gaining my self-worth through the love of a man.

A man who will stay in my life when my father chose not to.

And so being overweight is my twisted way of not allowing the authentic version of myself to show up in a relationship out of fear that yet another person will find my core being unappealing.

I am trying to protect myself from the pain of rejection.

Because, I can change my body but I can’t change my core being.

And there we have a bit of my truth.

My truth that I am afraid to allow a man to see my character flaws and so I hide behind visceral fat.

Sadly, I have done a marvelous job of letting the world convince me that something is wrong with me.

I have gotten so good at seeing myself in a negative light that I even make negative comments and jokes about myself in the hopes that I could beat people to the punch.

I know all too well that people make jokes about themselves due to low self-esteem but  it wasn’t until I recently heard Jaime Primak Sullivan explain that when you exhibit a certain type of behavior such as making self-deprecating jokes about yourself that you are teaching the people around you what you are comfortable with. This means my self-deprecating jokes are inviting people to mistreat me by essentially setting the standard for what type of comments I will and will not allow to be spoken about me.

She further cautioned that you should never say anything about yourself that you don’t feel comfortable with other people saying about you because what we speak becomes our reality. In essence my self deprecating jokes were an open invitation for people to speak as negatively about me as I spoke of myself.

Coming to an understanding of this unhealthy behavior I am fully convinced  that something is going to have to change in my life because as much as I have grown in the self-love department there is still a gap.

I don’t fully believe that there is someone out there who will love all of me.

Because I don’t love all of me.

I don’t like the me that is blunt,sloppy, forgetful, harsh, irritable and withdrawn.

Those negative aspects of me that I had from my associates and the world out before but the my close friends and family members are all too familiar with.

You know the real me that my children and other loved ones critique me on. 

I have convinced myself that a guy will find me too much of something and not enough of something else and I am terrified of not being good enough.

And I have virtually given my power over to this nonexistent guy to deem me as worthy of love.

Along with some childhood demons to include abandonment and daddy issues I am also clinging to society’s false notion that if you are not in a relationship that something is wrong with you.

I know logically that a relationship doesn’t speak to my self-worth but I must say that grasping that mind, body and soul has been a challenge.

I am going to have to refocus on my fitness and nutrition.

Not because it would make me more attractive, but because I need to face my fear.

I need to make myself vulnerable.

I have come to realize that I don’t give anyone a chance to reject me because I reject myself before they ever even get to know me.

I have even been guilty of showing all of my negative traits in the beginning of a relationship out of fear that if the a person was going to reject me that I wanted them to do it sooner rather than later.

I don’t give a guy a chance to know the real me because deep down I don’t really like me and I fear that if I show him myself he won’t like me either.

While I am loving myself more I started from such a deficient that my gains leave me with much room for growth,

But that is okay because I am growing

So no, I don’t truly love myself completely.

Not the way I need to in order to show up fully in a relationship.

I am going to have to keep working to change the way I think, speak and feel about myself.

My decision to make a conscious effort to no longer engage in self-deprecating jokes is because I need to stop believing them and I don’t want to give other people permission to mock my insecurities.

And my realization that my weight is about so much more than me eating my pain but that I use it as a way to protect myself from having men reject my core being means that I am going to have to let the weight go.

While my goal is to be confident in who I am whether I am a size 2 or a size 22, I have to reach a place where I realize I am not my body and that this self-love journey is about so much more than loving my physical appearance.

When I say I want to love myself, I mean I want to love myself character flaws and all.

Is there something you are doing to cause people to reject you before they get the opportunity to know you the real you? If so, I hope you will join me in my journey to doing the work it takes to accept yourself fully.

Renata Nicole

© Renata Pittman Smith, Renata Nicole and RenataNicole, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Renata Pittman Smith and RenataNicole with appropriate and specific direction to the original content

 

Lessons Learned

I haven’t blogged in a over a month.

image

Not because I don’t have anything to write about but because today is the first day that I have had both the time and the energy to sit down at the computer and share my journey.

This last month has brought a smile to my face and helped to strengthen my resolve.

I have reconnected with people from my childhood who have blessed me tremendously, I have learned new skills at work that I am proud of, I recognized some of my weaknesses and am taking steps to strengthen them.

I have gained a fresh perspective on life and it has brought me hope.

In essence I have been learning – I have been growing – and I have been expanding.

Steve Jobs said,

“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will some how connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever.

Well I have taken a moment to reflect back and I have been connecting the dots and I want to tell you that while I don’t have a clear picture I am thankful for each dot.

Yes even the ones that I thought were ugly, too painful, unnecessary and the ones that I spent far more time with then I care to admit.

I thank God for the dots.

This time last year I felt like giving up.

To be honest I think I did give up, but thankfully life didn’t give up on me.

It wasn’t really that I didn’t think that things would get better, it was that I didn’t feel like learning the lessons.

I didn’t want to suffer, I didn’t want to be challenged or to face adversity and I had hoped that maybe I could take a short cut.

I was certain I would make it through to the other side I just didn’t want to do the work.

In the same way that we know that if we exercise and eat right that a healthier body will meet us on the other side, I knew that if I went through the lessons life had to offer that a healthier me was waiting to be unearthed.

I simply didn’t feel like putting in the work of learning the lessons.

I didn’t want to cry, I didn’t want to feel pain, I just wanted the benefits of a healthier me.

But a healthier me required for me to lose some things.

I had to let go of that guy who didn’t mean me well.

I had to let go of those negative thought patterns and limiting beliefs.

I had to find a healthier way to deal with my emotions and stop with the emotional eating (by the way I lost 6 pounds since my last blog post).

Have I gotten to where I want to be in life?

Nope.

But I have gotten to where I am supposed to be.

I still have so much work to do but I am in a better place… a healthier place.

I am happy and at peace in a way I never saw coming.

My laugh is richer than it was before (which is no small feat because I laugh a lot!)

But I have to be honest while I knew things in my life would get better I never thought that this would be my better.

We are told to not grow weary in our well doing.

We are told to exercise our faith.

We are told to believe in ourselves and our ability to achieve greatness.

But this time last year it felt like me walking out on faith landed me right into a sink hole.

It seemed to me that I was doing right and I was treating people right and for my effort I received a box full of wrong.

I was facing challenge after challenge and setback after setback and it seemed like anytime someone would say “well, at least it can’t get any worse” – it did.

I started to believe that I was some type of a martyr. I had convinced myself that I was going through unnecessarily and that I was being unfairly punished. It didn’t occur to me that what I saw as my “failures” were actually setting me up for my greatest successes. At the time I didn’t realize that I was learning things that would help me to become my best self. It wasn’t until recently that I began to see that happen over the past two years that I thought were meant to destroy me have been my greatest blessings.

Those obstacles taught me more about faith.

I may not have the greatest faith, but my faith has increased greatly.

I have grown to respect the fact that my faith could only improve by exercising it.

Because of the adversity I have faced I have also learned not to worry as much as I used to.

And when I find myself worrying I can rest on the truth that I have a 100 percent success rate in God coming through for me.

You know…. it is easy to keep the faith when things are going well and you can see evidence that things are going to get better.

But keeping the faith when people are laughing at you and when you have no inkling of how you are going to make it through the next 24 hours takes a level of perseverance that I don’t believe most of us tap into.

Personally I felt like throwing in the towel.

I wanted to close my eyes, fall asleep and not get back up.

Not so much because I didn’t think things wouldn’t get any better.

I knew God would see me through.

No, I wanted to give up because I didn’t want to endure the pain that comes with growth.

But that pain was indeed necessary.

In two years time my pain included becoming familiar with life as a divorced mother of three teenagers, I quit my career and relocated from Alaska to the southeast part of the United States. I started a business only to have it fall through. I endured the pain of a broken heart from yet another failed relationship. I saw my finances turned upside down and faced my childhood demons along with some other gut wrenching moments.

Forget mountain high I was definitely in the world of valley low.

For a while I thought maybe life was simply trying to humble me.

Perhaps I was too prideful and too ungrateful.

In my naivete I  thought I could circumvent the lessons life was trying to teach me by showing life that I was okay with the humility.

If life was offering me blows then I would show life that I was okay with the pain in the hopes it would let up.

But despite my false humility the blows just kept on coming.

I reached a point where I had to believe God with how I was going to make it from day to day.

I am glad God did that.

It increased my faith tremendously.

It’s easy to believe things will work out when we think we know how we are going to make it.

But what about when you wake up at 8 am and don’t know how you are going to finance yourself for the next 24 hours.

I lived through that and while it wasn’t easy I believe it was necessary to help me to learn that I never have to worry about things like how I will eat for God will most certainly take care of that.

I learned that I may not always have what I want but I will always have what I need.

I also learned to trust myself and I gained a greater spirit of discernment.

Furthermore, I reached a point where I decided I don’t want to settle for poor treatment in romantic relationships and that I am not willing to settle for a relationship that lacks love, kindness, compassion, respect, appreciation and care. I hold myself to a much higher regard now.

While sadly it took me having someone treat me poorly for me to realize that emotional abuse isn’t an option for me any more it isn’t about the process it is about the outcome.

So while the encounter was painful I thank God for that relationship.

I am certain that while I probably did need a fresh dose of humility that my time in the valley was about far more than a lesson in humility. The woman I am today I didn’t know I could become.

I achieved things I didn’t think were achievable.

There are people who would look where I am at and see me as a failure but I know that the level of understanding that I possess about who I am and the love that God has for me makes me great.

I went from believing that I had to settle and not having confidence in myself to growing more secure in myself and increasing my self-worth.

I have started falling in love with me.

And as I began this love affair with myself and to increase my self-worth life started to feel smoother.

I am thankful that when I gave up on life that life didn’t give up on me.

At my lowest point I wanted to just say “that’s it, I gotta split” but life said “yes I knocked you down but it wasn’t for you to quit”.

Life wouldn’t let me give up on me!

I haven’t bounced back and I am not sure that I want to.

What I mean is I don’t think I ever want to go back to who I was.

I was a woman who didn’t believe in herself and who lacked self-confidence.

I was a people-pleaser who didn’t have any boundaries and who had a weak no.

I didn’t really love myself and settled for lower level love because I had lied to myself and convinced a larger part of myself that substandard love was the best I could achieve.

I was a mess on the inside and my life was a mess on the outside.

My health, my finances and my relationships were all suffering because I was suffering.

So no I don’t want to bounce back, I want to change course.

I have been breaking patterns of behavior that has caused me not to live life to the fullest, I have started dealing with my emotions instead of eating my pain and I began to recognize my worth and to set boundaries.

I stumble and I fall but I am getting stronger.

I see some of my flaws but I also know and am exercising strategies on how to improve them.

I am learning to be secure in my insecurities and I am at a beautiful place.

Thankfully while I went through adversity God allowed me to be surrounded by amazing friends and family.

I recognize that many of people don’t have that and that I should be extremely thankful that I was blessed with great friendships so I don’t take the blessing of those relationships lightly.

I think that life gave me those positive relationships because they were a necessary ingredient in me becoming my best self. I firmly believe that whatever it is that a person needs to fulfill their unique life purpose they have been granted.

I know that life gets hard and that there are times when it doesn’t seem to make sense but please know that it will work out for your good.

I have been told that life doesn’t happen to us but it happens for us.

That is hard to believe when a loved one dies, you lose your job and/or receive a bad medical report. But I can tell you that I have seen first hand how things come around full circle.

Sometimes we wonder why we have to go through adversity.

But I have come to learn the mountains aren’t placed in front of us to stop us in our tracks, rather they are placed there for us to strengthen our muscles while we climb them. And as we climb them we release the unnecessary baggage that is holding us back.

I am on my way to a better place and I am thankful for that.

It hurt, I cried and I felt like giving up and yet I am still standing.

It was hard and I didn’t like it but I couldn’t have gotten where I am without it.

Thank God for the trials and the tribulations.

I am still a work in progress and will be until I breathe my last breath but the Renata I am today is in a place that the Renata I was yesteryear was not prepared to step into.

If I don’t lose any weight, if I don’t get my finances back on track or find a romantic partner I have learned that those things don’t define me as a person.

I am not my position, my weight, income or marital status.

I have so much greatness that I am just realizing that I need to tap into and I am so glad that I have come to a place where I am ready to step into the fullness of who I am.

As my schedule eases up it is my intention to start back posting more regularly.

But in the meantime I hope you are able to see that life is not trying to break you, it is trying to make you. Please don’t give up on life because life hasn’t given up on you.

Stay blessed and even though they aren’t always easy learn those lessons that life is diligently trying to teach you.

Renata Nicole

© Renata Pittman Smith, Renata Nicole and RenataNicole, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Renata Pittman Smith and RenataNicole with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

 

My Pain Released

Courtesy of Lorena Gonzalez

Courtesy of Lorena Gonzalez

We sat there my pain and I, and I held her close to me.

I often talked to my friends about my pain and how deeply she hurt me.

Time went on and the next thing I knew my pain had become a part of me.

My pain was with me when I woke up, my pain was with me when I rest my head.

If I didn’t want to do something, my pain gave me an excuse for why I had to do something else instead.

When someone asked me to do something, I could always blame my pain for why I couldn’t.

When I thought about trying to get better, I listened to the voice of my pain and thought ‘nah maybe I shouldn’t.

Getting better would require me to do the work.

Getting better would require me to let go of my hurt.

But if I let go of my pain then what would I talk about?

She was in practically every sentence that came out of my mouth.

I mean didn’t she define me?

Weren’t I her and she me?

I mean who would I be without aches throughout?

Who would I be if I wasn’t hopeless and filled with doubt?

My pain allowed me to be a victim, angry and filled with rage.

My pain was my excuse to be rude, for my attitude and why I could stay stuck on the same page.

I didn’t have to be nice, I had a pain!

I didn’t have to be kind, I had an ache!

I didn’t have to do anything, I was hurt!

I was in pain so I didn’t have to do the work!

That is what I told myself, that is what I said.

That is what I believed, those were the thoughts inside my head.

It was the fault of my childhood, my third grade teacher, my father, my mother…. you see.

It was the fault of my former classmates, that stranger who mistreated me, my sister and my past lover… it was all of those other things why I was me.

Everyone was to blame for my hurt.

Everyone, but me.

And I proudly held my hurt like a badge of honor.

I clung to her and did not dare run from her.

My pain and I grew together and I would not let her go.

To let her go meant I would have to do the work and the thought of that angered me so.

Doing the work meant I would have to take responsibility and I would have to own my part.

Doing the work meant I would have to dig deep and remove the ugliness from my heart.

Oh how I dreaded letting go of my pain.

My pain was one with me.

But one day I realized that all that time my pain was killing me.

I looked in my mirror and I didn’t recognize myself for she had become I, and I had become she.

I thought that we could live a life together, but she had other plans for me.

She was why I over ate, she was why I did not sleep.

She was why I pushed people away and found myself all alone just her and me.

She was why I had those bags under my eyes, why my hair was a mess and my skin was dry.

She was why I couldn’t think straight and why I lay around all day and refused to exercise.

My pain and I would watch TV all day, we were a mess, I must confess my pain stifled me.

I had spoke for years of how I didn’t know how to let go of her for pains sake.

But my truth was I didn’t really want to get well because despite my denial I knew all along the steps to take.

For the soul always knows how to heal itself even if we pretend we don’t.

The soul always knows how to let pain go even though, it’s our ego that won’t.

So one day I realized that I had to take control and let go of the pain that was in me.

One day I started to take the steps and began my journey to become a better me.

But that day never arrived until I truly did want to get well.

That day never came until I decided I did not want to live a life of hell.

So I recognized that it wasn’t because I didn’t have a brother to teach me what I needed to know.

It wasn’t that my childhood had problems, I mean whose doesn’t? People have painful pasts every where I go.

But this meant it wasn’t my mother’s fault, my father’s fault or even that boy who didn’t care.

It wasn’t the teacher’s fault, it wasn’t my sister’s fault, it was me who wanted to keep the pain there.

I decided I had to change, I made the decision I had to let go of the pain.

I decided I had to get better and remove the horrid stench of hurt because she had really started to smell.

I decided that I had reached a point where I really did want to get well.

I was rotting inside and it hurt.

So, I got desperate and I did the work.

I forgave myself, I forgave others.

I changed the way I thought and it was then that I was able to move further.

My anger subsided and my joy increased.

My laughter excelled and my heartache ceased.

I learned how to love and I began to love me.

I nursed myself and I became a healthier me.

So I let go of my pain as I realized she was mocking me.

She cloaked me in herself as she falsely comforted me.

I thought we could live a life together.

Who knew that she had meant for us to die together?

She was familiar so I let her stay for a while.

But she had to go because with her I lost my smile.

Sometimes she comes back like a lover from my past.

She sneaks in gentle but when I recognize her I don’t allow her to stay for laughs.

No my pain is no longer welcome to sit with me.

For she is merely my warning signal, that it’s time to do the work to become a better me.

When she appears I now know it means I need to let go of her and start to love on me.

So she cannot stay beyond her initial hour.

No, she must go so I can walk in power.

Renata Nicole

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